Beneath it all
by E.R.H
Summary: Edith and Anthony's first year of marriage has not been the easiest. Will the second year be any easier? With secrets, hurtful words, lies and devastating news will they ever make it through and come out as a stronger couple or will they be torn apart forever?
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Hi everyone! So this is my third fic but my first Anthony/Edith fic. I'm a little unsure on it so I've only posted a tiny bit. Let me know if you would like me to keep going._

_This is set in 1912ish. I really wanted to show the character development through their marriage hopefully you will like it. I hope it isn't too much like other Anthony/Edith fics on here. I have read so many so I hope I don't put any ideas or scenes of those fics in here! I hope I can do this couple justice._

_Thanks for reading!_

* * *

She had laid in bed all morning not wanting to move. It wasn't just that she was in pain it was the sense of disappointment. The tears had long dried on her face and she didn't feel much like crying anymore. Anthony, of course, had been the perfect, awkward, English gentleman he was and had stayed away giving her privacy. All she wanted was for him to be there with her but she could never ask. It wouldn't be proper and she couldn't get through a sentence without crying to even ask for him to stay with her. In fact she couldn't say anything at all. Of course she had never expected to be a wife or a mother it had just been a distant hope like a forgotten dream. Although not expected she had always thought it would be something she would be good at. Now she had miscarried and she felt so terribly inadequate. All she wanted was for her husband to tell her things would be okay. It almost made her feel sick that he didn't know her well enough to know that she needed him.

Hearing a knock at the door she made a little attempt to sit up in the large bed. Morning had long gone yet she had stayed in bed like the previous day. Anthony entered the room standing slightly awkward with a note by the door and not advancing any further. She looked up at him and he looked at her. Though she felt he wasn't really looking at her. He was looking past her and she wasn't sure if he would want her anymore.

"Your parents have invited us for dinner tomorrow night. Should I tell them you are unwell dear?"

The term of endearment hit her like a punch in the stomach and she could feel the tears in her throat filling up. Why couldn't she be stronger, more American like her mother? What would Anthony think if she took too long to recover, would he ever want to go near her again? She tried her best to smile feeling suddenly very suffocated by the heavy blankets and half closed drapes. She shook her head her voice shaking slightly. How would they get through this? How would she?

"No. No we should go. I mean we did decline their luncheon invitation yesterday."

"I shall let them know. If your sure?"

He added pausing at the door. She turned her head slightly towards the window not even sure what day or time it was. Of course she was sure. She knotted her fingers together nervously never taking her eyes off him. He stood unsure what to do. He didn't want to smother her and she hadn't given any indication that she wanted him there. Seeing her nod he went to leave, to reply to the letter until he heard her speak. Speak so quietly he almost missed it.

"Anthony wont you stay with me for a while longer?"

He turned feeling the relief as he finally met her eyes. It was then that he saw her. Really saw her for the first time in a week. How long had she been suffering so terribly? He almost felt a pang of guilt not only for not being there but not feeling as upset as he should be. Maude, his first wife, had had her fair share of miscarriages and he never felt very much about them anymore. He walked over to his wife and sat next to her taking her hand. Smiling sweetly at her he brushed her hair out of her eyes before talking.

"My dear sweet Edith. You mustn't let this worry you. We will have plenty of children."

She nodded. Then watched slightly concerned as he closed his eyes for a moment. She rested a worried hand on his arm. Through all the pain and loss she had noticed that he had become more tired. He had said it was just down to running the estate but she couldn't help but feel he was just making excuses. She had never noticed her father being so overly tired. Had she put too much pressure on him? She did not think it would be a problem marrying an older man, he was still very young. She wondered if maybe she expected too much of him.

"Are you all right?"

"Yes of course dear. I think maybe it's the thought of having dinner with your sister again."

Edith couldn't help but smile at her husband who almost looked to worsen in colour. She wrapped her arms round his shoulders and sat with him in the silence. She had at first been nervous of these private moments but now a year after they had married it was no longer seeming like they were forced but out of habit and the ever growing love that had developed between them. She sighed closing her eyes. He was right they shouldn't worry. Everything would be all right. Anthony turned to give a reassuring look to his wife. Ever since she had joined him on his estate she had been growing in confidence and character and he couldn't help but feel proud. She was his wife. He laid down next to her listing to the silence. The sound of the staff moving around the large house and the birds tweeting. Both unaware that soon the peace they had so longed for and loved would be shattered for ever.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Wow thank you for such a lovely, positive reaction! Thank you for all the follows and favorites means a lot that people like to read what I write! I would all PM you to thank you personally but I don't want you to feel like I'm stalking! Just know it's appreciated._

_Again a short chapter as I'm still feeling a bit iffy about how well this is going. If you all are still reading and liking it then I will post longer chapters with at least three scenes in it but for now here is my very unsure chapter 2!_

_Enjoy and thank you for reading!_

* * *

He hardly had a chance to speak to Edith all night. He wondered if she was truly all right or if it was a front. One he had seen but never noticed when he had had dinner with the Crawley's before they were married, now they were married he could see through it perfectly and he was grateful that she had showed him that side to her. It was awfully hard when Cora had brought up the announcement that they had written to them about. He had instantly jumped to Edith's rescue when she seemed to struggle on what to say. He knew she was fragile and still healing and didn't need the comments they would surely make. Deep down he understood why she had written to her family wanting them to know she had important news. It wasn't to rub their faces in it. It was to say _look at me, I'm okay on my own_. He admired that more than anything. He had lied and said that they were off on holiday for a while and had decided that was just what they would need. He had been working hard on the estate and he couldn't help but feel he had been neglecting his young wife. Yes, she was young and everyone had whispered or gossiped between themselves that it was because he needed someone to take care of him in his now ever looming old age. He never saw it like that and thankfully he knew Edith didn't either.

Settling down in his chair in the empty dinning room Robert eyed his son-in-law carefully. He had often complained he was as dull as paint and had often wished Matthew would come to dinner too but just lately they hadn't been visiting as much and he couldn't help but wonder if something had happened or if it was just Edith getting more independent. He spoke pulling the cigar away from his lips.

"What was the real announcement?"

"I'm sorry? I don't understand."

Anthony said turning to Robert. He liked the man dearly and not just because he was married to his daughter, he admired how easily he could put so much before his family. He was sure it would kill him if he did that. He had promised Edith that he was not going to tell her family that she had miscarried if that was what she wanted and he was going to stay loyal to that. He knew how Maud had felt but Edith wasn't Maud. She was Edith and he loved her so dearly he was sure he would do anything for her. Robert sat forward trying to read him but it was impossible. Anthony listened carefully not missing a word surprised that Robert knew his daughter so well.

"I saw her in the village a week ago. She seemed so very happy but now it seems she is upset. No offence to you Anthony but I doubt she would be so happy about a trip away."

"I do not want to insult you nor undermine you Robert but I have made a promise to my wife and I will keep it."

"Of course. I just want someone to take care of her. She's not as strong as she thinks."

Shes stronger than you think. Were the words on the end of his tongue but he held it back not wanting to start an augment. He nodded looking away from Roberts hard stare. What he would give to be with his wife now. She was surely facing the same questioning from her mother. He was just thinking of some excuse to leave when Carson knocked on the door talking quietly in his ever stern tone.

"Sorry to disturb you milord, sir. Lady Strallan is feeling unwell and has asked me if it is all right for Branson to drive her home."

"Oh there's no need for that Carson. I can take her home. Will you tell her I'll be out in a moment?"

"Of course sir."

With that he was gone. Anthony was hoping his wife was not feeling too unwell and that she too had had enough and wanted to go home. He often wondered how she had ever lived in the house. Although large he got the impression she was always lonely. He stood and Robert did the same. He nodded politely at him before heading towards the door glad to get away. Edith always was more her self when they were alone. Not that he loved her any less when they were in company if anything he found her little secret glances towards him endearing.

"Thank you for an enjoyable evening Lord Grantham. Please do send my thanks to Lady Grantham. I do hope it wont be too long before we have dinner again."

Robert spoke as Anthony opened the door to the hall. He could see Edith waiting for him, nervously playing with her black evening gloves. He sighed all he wanted to do was take her shaking hands and hold them until she believed everything would be alright. He knew that if it never felt like her home when she was living here then she would be feeling uncomfortable now. He turned towards Robert suddenly realising that he knew everything that happened.

"You will take care of her Anthony?"

"Yes you have my word. She is my wife and I will, no, I do everything I can to make her happy."

Edith couldn't hear what they were saying in the door way to the dinning room but she saw the friendly handshake and felt her self relax. He had never been against them but he was never happy. She sighed. He was good enough for Mary at one point. She dismissed the thought giving him a weary smile as he met her in the hall. She smiled politely at her father but making no attempt at a formal goodbye. That was always Mary or Sybil and it pained Robert to see that Edith did not need him at all. He couldn't help but feel that was why he felt threatened by Anthony. She loved him more than she loved her own father. Of course he knew it was different love but still it hurt. He had even started to miss her not being in the house. He watched them leave the house, out into the mild night, Anthony placing a protective but loving arm around his wife. Yes she was his wife now and no longer just his daughter. He sighed turning back to the drawing room. Anthony would take care of her through anything and now he had such respect for the man and regret for not taking a bigger interest in getting to know him properly. Maybe he wasn't as dull as paint. He smiled to himself feeling happier then he had in a long time, not knowing that soon his daughter would need him more than ever.


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Thank you again for all the lovely reviews and thank you Mimik! So kind that you think so but really this story is for you as you have inspired me so much with your wonderful writing!_

_So this is a long chapter I hope you don't fall asleep reading it! I wont post for a little while after this as this is all I have written so far so don't worry you wont get swamped with new chapter alerts!_

_Thanks a lot for reading. :)_

* * *

"Why did you not want to tell your parents?"

She stopped mid sentence in the book she was reading. At first these moments, that now seemed so normal, were awkward. At the start of their marriage he didn't sleep in the same bed with her, she had been grateful that he was so thoughtful but then somewhere between all their walks, drives and reading silently together in the library something changed and the line between friendship, companionship blurred and turned into some sort of love. She had wanted to sleep in the same bed not just because it was out of duty but it was out of compassion and understanding for wanting, needing someone and she thought they fitted together so wonderfully, even when they had little to say.

He watched her as she closed her book that had been laid open on her raised knees, still after a year he was still learning how she felt about some things and how she reacted to others. It was the after effect of a short courtship and later engagement, most couples would at least know some little details but they had known barely any at all. He decided very quickly, although it was difficult, he wouldn't change any of it for every passing day and with everything he learnt he fell more in love with her. She sighed not looking at him at all. He hated to press her on such an upsetting issue but he knew she would only fret or never tell him at all.

"Why must you ask?"

"Because I want to, I care and..."

"I didn't tell them because I didn't want to."

She said slightly annoyed opening her book again. He watched as she angrily turned the pages until settling back into bed. He sighed folding his arms. He hated moments like these when his wife was so stubborn. He often wondered if she knew how alike she could be to her family. He spoke again more quietly this time as if changing his tone of voice would make her less angry. Why she was so angry he wasn't sure.

"But I just thought you might like them to know."

"Why? So they can feel sorry for poor old Edith. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction."

She knew she was revealing a side of her self she normally kept hidden but she felt he wasn't understanding and she knew him well enough to know he would not let it go. She knew he meant well but it was so alien for her that someone would care enough to ask so many questions she would always push him away. She wondered if her parents had ever had moments like these and how they had overcome them but she would never ask mama or papa, she thought she knew better then that. He turned to her slightly but still her eyes were lost in the book though he knew she wasn't reading. She just wasn't looking at him. He spoke again refusing to give into her mood.

"I just think.."

"What?"

"Maybe if we talked about these things it might make them bearable. I just feel so left out sometimes."

"What did you want me to do? March about the village? I'm not like that Anthony and neither are you so don't pretend otherwise."

He sighed angrily throwing the blankets off his side of the bed causing the cold air to rush into the warmth. Even Edith looked up shocked. _Had she gone too far_? She could get so carried away sometimes and dare she even admit it, now she didn't have Mary to keep her in line she felt her self growing more difficult and spoilt with every passing day. _Would he ever grow to love it_? She guessed not as he stormed off towards the connecting door leading to his dressing room.

"Anthony..."

"I refuse, no, I wont to talk to you when your like this. Maybe some sleep will help you think clearer."

She jumped slightly hearing his door slam. She knew she shouldn't push him. He hadn't been sleeping well and had a lot on his mind. It wasn't her duty as a wife to add to that. She stopped herself. She didn't know what her duty was as no one had ever told her. It made her angry that no one thought she needed to know and here she was proving everyone right.

Anthony stopped before his bed. She could make him so mad sometimes but he knew it was just her way after years of being in that house. He went to the door resting his hand on the cold door handle for a moment, his head pressed against the thick wood. He hated it when they argued but he just wanted to be closer to her and sometimes that meant pushing her further then she liked. _How could he explain it to her without sounding patronising_? If you spend too much time thinking about the past years and days, especially the bad ones, how can you possibly focus on the present to make it better. He wanted so badly to show her he was different but now standing there after leaving her he saw he was no different and it made him so ashamed that he crawled into his cold bed wishing he could be the man she so badly wanted, the man she so badly needed.

* * *

The Strallans butler watched slightly concerned through the crack in the drawing room door at Lady Edith. Although he was glad his mistress was finally out of bed and recovered something didn't seem right as she worked on her cross stitching. He noted how she violently stabbed the fabric with no real order. He had at first thought the couple were strange but seeing how well they were together most of time he came to accept them. He had heard a door slam last night after they had returned from the Crawley's and it was rather unusual for even raised voices to be heard in the house but no arguing and just ignoring each other at all was even stranger. He shrank back hearing someone at the front door.

Edith tightened her jaw slightly hearing her husband enter the house. Of course she knew it was him. It almost frightened her the first day she realised when she could tell it was him coming up the stairs or him that knocked so softly on her door. They had not spoken all morning nor had she seen him. She was simply informed that he was "out" and she guessed she was still in trouble for being so terrible to him, the man was clearly upset and she couldn't help but feel it was her fault, she had lost the baby after all. It was moments like these that scared Edith the most. She knew marriages didn't work perfectly but she wanted hers too. Every moment when they argued or couldn't see eye to eye it made her panic. She knew she had to let go sometimes but it was still very new and scary to her.

Anthony decided that nothing ought to be wrong, they had gone to bed and slept on it. Still he couldn't help but feel worried. He would never place it on her though. His worried thoughts, he knew she had enough to think about not knowing that Edith was feeling the same way. He sat on the sofa opposite her gladly retrieving his morning paper from his butler. He read it silently for a few moments before speaking not putting his newspaper down. She almost felt it was a backhanded comment.

"Did you sleep well dear?"

"Very thank you. Did you enjoy your walk?

"I didn't go for a walk, not really. I went into the village to see doctor Clarkson."

She paused needle in mid air. _Why didn't she know he had been to see the doctor_? She should know. Setting her needle work down she turned to him feeling awful for shouting at him last night. Now she knew why he held the newspaper so close to his face. She was sure, he hadn't turned a page in a while and he always read the farming articles and not much else. It was so he didn't have to see her reaction. She knew he hadn't been feeling well. He said it was just because he hadn't been sleeping and she couldn't blame him for that. She had been sleeping terribly ever since she had been sleeping alone, she had hoped last night he would come to bed but after the augment and a few slamming doors she had gone to bed alone. She had never felt so foolish or childish before in her life and hoped Anthony could help show her the way. Show her how she could be a better wife but it was seeming a bigger struggle each time she did something wrong. Even through it all she still felt they fitted perfectly together and hoped everything else would come in time.

"What did he say? Your not unwell are you?"

"No. Nothing like that. He said I needed rest. I was thinking of maybe taking that trip soon. That reminds me he wanted to see you actually."

"Oh?"

"Yes he said he might come in and see you today once he's finished his rounds."

Soon his newspaper was turning again before he set it down next to him just as Edith had with her needlework. Neither saying much. She wanted nothing more to apologise but he seemed distant. Either he wasn't telling the whole truth about doctor Clarkson or something else was bothering him. She would have to ask doctor Clarkson later. She knew he couldn't always be in the house with her but she often felt terribly lonely more so then at Downton. How long she had wanted to escape that house and now it all seemed the same. She had always put it down to the family but maybe it was just her life that always brought her down. She was about to speak when the butler entered the room almost shuffling with old age as he did so.

"Sir there was a telephone call for you while you was out."

"I suspect it was Lady Olive no doubt?"

"Yes Lady Batten said she was just returning your call."

Edith watched the exchange almost as if she were not there. She had heard that name before, he often wrote to her. Who she was she had no idea. She told her self not to worry her husband was allowed to have female friends and he wouldn't ever hurt her in such a way._ Would he_? No certainly not though she couldn't stop the doubt in her mind. He had called this woman that morning, after their augment and before his visit to the doctors. _Was he calling her for support of some sort_? She knew only one person would know who Lady Batten was. Her grandmother.

"Edith what do you think about London for that trip?"

"Sounds lovely dear."

She said forcing a smile and resuming her needlework. He stood kissing her on the forehead and leaving for his library. Normally he would invite her to read with him and hoped she would not notice that this time he had not. He had been feeling fretful all morning and coming home to his wife had made it a lot better to know she was there. He hadn't noticed her mood at first but it had been growing. He let it be, he was sure she was stilling feeling confused and upset. He had a lot to think about himself. He felt so terrible it was the first and he hoped it would be the last lie he ever told his wife. He sat at his desk watching the sky darken unaware that his wife was watching him from the doorway unsure what to say, what to do or how to feel. Feeling someone watching him he turned only to see an empty doorway. He turned back musing the morning slightly, he would need to speak to her sooner or later if he were to keep his word, his promise to Lord Grantham.

* * *

"It's been a long time since I've had a invitation to tea from a Lady Strallan."

Edith almost flinched as she poured out the tea. She knew Maud was a nice lady and she felt it was good for Anthony to talk about her but she still didn't like the idea that she was in her place. Using her tea set or sleeping in her bed. Maybe that's why it felt so much better when Anthony was there. Violet watched her granddaughter carefully. She had almost felt insulted when she as not invited to the dinner the night before sure she was going to announce something but it had turned out to be nothing at all. Knowing her granddaughter well she placed the tea cup down speaking quietly unsure if her husband was in the house.

"You wanted to know about this Lady Batten?"

"Yes. We're going to London soon and she's one of Anthony's friends I would like to get to know her more before we go."

"Dear if you wanted to get to know her you would have invited her for tea not me."

Edith quietly lifted her teacup to her lips avoiding looking at her grandmother. Her doubts were spilling out every where and she was half afraid her husband might discover her true reason for inviting her grandmother over, for spying him. She felt ever so guilty and finally looked at her grandmother meeting her knowing gaze. She was sure it would be all over London by dinner time that their marriage was over. Seeing Edith deflate a little she spoke again.

"She was one of Maud's friends. I only met her a few times, always had a line of men behind her. Quite distasteful I might add. Her husband died ten years ago no one has really heard much from her since. Though I would want to hide away if I had worn such a horrible hat to the Darby last year."

Edith felt it was good and bad news. Maybe she should really get to know her if she was friends with Anthony and had been for a long time, then maybe she would find more out about him. She wondered why it had to be such a struggle. Violet and Edith sat in silence for a while neither one having much to talk about, Edith knowing Violet had no interest now there was no gossip. Her mother would surely ask why her grandmother was invited to tea and not her but she couldn't face them again after last night. She knew no one believed the announcement they had made and she couldn't bare to make excuses again. She didn't look at her grandmother as she spoke again.

"Curios I might add that you might choose London to visit when there are so many other places."

"Why is that?"

"Lady Olive lives in London. Does she not?"

"I wouldn't know."

Edith said pushing the negative thoughts out of her mind. She regretted inviting her now and often wished that her grandmother had a telephone so this chat would be over quicker. Even a letter would have done it.

Anthony chatted lightly with doctor Clarkson as he led him into the house. He paused half scared and half worried as to why the dowager countess was sitting in his drawing room. He didn't remember Edith saying about a visit. _Was this punishment for their disagreement_? No she would have invited her whole family over if it was for that reason. Violet smiled at him but there was something knowing behind her eyes. Edith wasn't looking at him either. He did his best to smile at Violet but he felt so uncomfortable he wanted to back out of the room.

"Lady Grantham, good afternoon."

"Sir Strallan."

She said in an almost shrill tone as she stood. He looked at Edith but still he did not look at him as she stood. Maybe it was just her grandmother. Feeling someone at his side he turned to see Doctor Clarkson was no longer waiting in the hall. He couldn't began to imagine what the dowager countess was thinking now. Doctor Clarkson spoke nervously, his relations with the Crawley family had been difficult lately and sometimes tense, even more so with Isobel arriving in the village.

"Oh good morning Lady Grantham, Lady Strallan. I'm sorry I didn't mean to interrupt."

"No not all I was just on my way. It is nice to see you again doctor it has been a while, I do hope Isobel isn't being too troublesome."

"No nothing I cant handle your ladyship."

"Well we should have you for dinner more often in that case. Good day doctor, Anthony. Edith dear will you show me out?"

"Milady."

The doctor nodded politely as the butler closed the door to the large hall. Edith almost tripped over her grandmother as she stopped in the hall. She wasn't sure if she should be grateful or fearful her grandmother was giving her full thoughts. The way she was whispering told her that this was something no one else should hear. Another secret from her husband no doubt but she didn't feel as bad as she should. She almost felt locked up in the house all day and often thought Anthony would want her to be a productive wife. Maybe they didn't know each other well enough yet.

"My dear, men will always be unfaithful and I will not insult you by saying you know you must live with it but I doubt sir Anthony and this woman are doing anything at all. If anything I'm still surprised he married you as he is such a shy creature. I trust you will be visiting your aunt Rosamund on your trip?"

She nodded almost speechless watching her grandmother exit the house and onto the gravel making her way towards the waiting car. She was off to Downton and Branson was waiting for her. She couldn't help but long for home. No this was her home now and a few days in London would be good for them. If he didn't see lady olive of course. She closed the door and turned to go back into the house. She almost bumped into Anthony she was so lost in thought.

"Sorry Edith I didn't know your grandmother would be here."

"It's okay. Is he here for me?"

"Yes."

He lent in to kiss her on the cheek but she flinched and pulled away. She didn't know why she did it and quickly left for the drawing room hoping he wouldn't notice. He stood for a moment, maybe he had imagined it. He was awfully tired he probably, most defiantly imagined it. He sighed rubbing his forehead, he would wait in the library until the doctor left. They would sort this out, he told himself not wanting to think of the alternative.

* * *

"Is everything all right doctor?"

Edith said as she rose from the bed watching the doctor pack his bag. He suddenly seemed very off after her examination. She definitely regretted not offering him any tea now. She fumbled nervously with her hands as he slowly turned to her lifting his heavy bag off the chest of drawer's. He sighed deeply before meeting her worried gaze.

"These things are never clear cut milady..."

"But something is wrong?"

* * *

_A/N: So did you like it? Let me know and if you did I will continue. Thanks for reading!_


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: Hello. Hope your all well and had good weekends! Thanks again for all your support on this!_

_Another long chapter but I promise your like it, well hopefully. __I also promise you this couple will have a few happy moments very soon I just wanted to get some bad stuff in first before the good stuff and then some more bad stuff!_

_You may think by how difficult their relationship is in this story I do not like this couple. That is not true at all. I really wanted to show their relationship develop and the characters develop too. _

_Anyway I'm going to stop talking. Thank you for reading and enjoy!_

* * *

_"Is everything all right doctor?"_

_Edith said as she rose from the bed watching the doctor pack his bag. He suddenly seemed very off after her examination. She definitely regretted not offering him any tea now. She fumbled nervously with her hands as he slowly turned to her lifting his heavy bag off the chest of drawer's. He sighed deeply before meeting her worried gaze._

_"These things are never clear cut Milady..."_

_"But something is wrong?"_

"It's difficult to say for sure but the symptoms you display do suggest maybe there were complications."

"Complications?"

"You might have to prepare your self that you may never be able to have children. I am very sorry."

The words that would change everything had just been said but she almost didn't hear them, she didn't want to hear them. Her world seemed to slow right down and everything went out of focus. Edith suddenly felt dizzy. _Was this her punishment for thinking her husband was doing something behind her back_? Her thoughts raced from one thing to another. She knew Anthony would be wonderful about the whole thing and say it didn't matter but deep down he really did want children. It did matter to her too and it almost felt like her life was coming apart in little pieces. _What would happen next_? She closed her eyes for a moment thinking of something to say. Anything at all. Hearing the doctor speak she opened her eyes taking a deep breath not sure what she was feeling. Trying hard not to lose her composure in front of the doctor she focused all her energy on listing to what he was saying.

"I would like you to see me again, after your trip to London. I will be able to confirm it then. Until then try not to worry."

"You wont tell Anthony will you?"

"It is your right Milady whether he is told or not."

_Anthony_. She suddenly remembered he had visited the doctor that morning. She didn't want to go behind his back but she decided things couldn't get much worse and lowered her voice. She did not want him overhearing and misunderstanding. She had after all just committed her self to a secret. She felt bad for putting the doctor in a difficult situation but she felt she was going out of her mind. Anthony was all she had.

"Is Anthony all right doctor? He says he's fine but I...well I don't believe him."

"You know I cant discuss your husbands visit Milady."

"Of course. I just feel like he's keeping something from me."

"Maybe you both would benefit from a frank talk. You might be surprised being honest with him may make him be honest with you in turn."

He turned towards the door opening it._ Had something happened_? It defiantly sounded like it. She could feel her blood pressure rising and a headache coming on. Such a normal day had turned into a nightmare. She followed him to the door. Her mind feeling tangled and tired. _If Anthony did not tell her truth then did that give her the right to lie to him_? Her heart felt heavy, she thought she had left all these games behind at Downton.

"I'll see myself out."

"Thank you doctor."

"Not at all. Good day Milady."

* * *

Anthony had waited for his wife to join him in the drawing room but she hadn't. He was sure she couldn't still be getting dressed and he felt worried. The doctor hadn't seemed too concerned and told him to speak to his wife. He knocked on her door quietly hoping she wasn't sleeping. When he heard a mumbled reply he opened the door his smile quickly fading. His wife was sitting on the bed almost hunched over. It brought back memory's of Maud and it had a bad feeling attached to it that he couldn't shake. He noticed she was in her nightgown and the feeling grew bigger. Closing the door quietly he stayed where he was as if going any further might be wrong. How he wished that they could be open with each other.

"I thought maybe we could take a walk before dinner, before it gets dark."

"That sounds lovely."

"Are you quite well? It wasn't bad news was it?"

"No. Not at all. Everything is back to normal."

She almost spat the words out like they had been choking her. It was hard to lie to him when she needed his support most but she couldn't do it to the poor man. Now it was almost as if she was damaged goods and if Anthony would no longer want her then no one would. She sighed looking out of the window, the sunlight was quickly fading and she wasn't feeling so sure on that walk anymore. He suddenly realised how the doctors visit must have brought back lots of unresolved feelings about her pregnancy. He started to feel very selfish but decided not to bring it up at that moment, she didn't seem like she would be able to handle it. He needed to take her away, get her out of the house for a few days. Take her mind off things the best he could, the only way he knew how.

"I've booked the train tickets to London for a few days time."

Again his smile was lost as his wife promptly bust into tears. She wanted so much to be strong like she had the previous day but it felt like it had all bottled up and she couldn't hold it in anymore. She tried to turn away from her husband but he saw past it. He couldn't bare to see her upset and he almost felt a pain in his chest. She was so young she did not understand how these things made you stronger and wiser and he would never expect her to understand, not right now. It would be her own choice how long it took to come to terms with it but no matter how long it took he vowed he would always be there with her, to help her through it all. Grappling with his himself on what to do he crossed the room and sat at her side pulling her into a tight embrace. She tried to speak but her words were getting stuck to her tears and all that came out was loud sobbing into his chest. Feeling his arms around her she almost let her guard down to tell him the truth but glancing into his loving eyes she decided not to, she couldn't do that to him. She buried her head back into his shoulder. He rested his other hand on her arm that was tucked round him. If only they could be so close like his all the time, he thought as he heard her finally speak, her breathing ragged from crying, her eyes red as she pulled away to meet his.

"I...I'm so sorry."

"Oh my poor dear you have nothing to be sorry for at all. It is me that should apologise to you."

He wiped a stray tear from her cheek with his thumb before he pulled her to him and stoked her hair breathing in the smell of lavender and roses. How badly in these moments did his heart ache to take away all the pain she was feeling. They had had moments of blinding happiness and he closed his eyes taking a deep breath hoping somehow they could get back there. Somehow they would, he was sure. Edith tried to say something else but it sounded muffled against his chest which just made her to sob further. It wasn't forgiving him she was worried about. That was easy, she had nothing to forgive. It was forgiving her self that was hardest. She hoped he would understand and more than anything she hoped doctor Clarkson was wrong. She closed her eyes her breathing slowing down glad that Anthony was there to comfort her even if he never knew the reason. He spoke ever so quietly hoping that he could help her. It was moments like these that Edith felt so grateful for what she had, so many people never saw the sensitive caring, side of Anthony.

"Hush now Edith. You do not have to say a word. I am here and you should never worry for I always be."

He said feeling the worry fill his heart, he could only hope he would be there, nothing was certain anymore. She closed her eyes feeling a slight flicker of love. When she opened them again, they were lying down still together her head resting on his chest, she yawned guessing she must have fallen asleep. How unusual it must have been for either of them to imagine this moment just over a year ago, she thought placing her arm round him hoping she could comfort him as much as he had to her. Feeling him move slightly she kept her eyes shut and when he said her name she didn't answer. She would let him think she was sleeping, not wanting to place anymore worry on him. He sighed happily looking at his sleeping wife it was then that it struck him he had never told her. _Not once_. Even if she was asleep it would be a start and kissing her forehead he spoke unaware of the deep guilt his wife was hiding.

"I love you Edith."

* * *

Edith felt very uncomfortable sat at in her grandmothers drawing room. For some reason unknown to her she was invited to take tea with granny and mother. She was just grateful Mary wasn't there. They had never gotten along and it had got worse lately even if they weren't living in the same house anymore. Mary had made a sly comment saying she was surprised Anthony hadn't had a heart attack yet and then she had replied saying something about Pamuk . They hadn't spoken since and she wasn't sure if she could explain the reason why to her grandmother who sat next to her round the table as she poured the tea. Cora cradled her tea cup watching her daughter, she dearly hoped nothing was the matter. She had seemed ever so sad since she had seen her at dinner and things had seemed tense between the couple when she had seen them in the post office the next afternoon. She hoped a trip away would be just thing to sort it out and that they were not running away from their problems. She spoke smiling slightly glad that she could choose the conversation topic before her mother in law wondering if Edith knew how lucky she was not to have a mother in law.

"How exciting it is that you and Anthony are going to London. Do you two have many things planned?"

"Not at the moment mama. We'll probably go to the opera or maybe to st. James but we haven't decided yet."

"Well I think it's a lovely idea taking a trip away. It is always nice when the first year of marriage is out the way and you are truly in love, it's like courting all over again."

"May I remind you Cora that some of us were in love from the start of our marriage."

Violet said glaring at Cora. Of course she saved the family from financial ruin but Robert chose that over love and it always unnerved her. She was glad he took the estate seriously but sometimes he took it a little too seriously. Edith played nervously with the trim on the tablecloth hoping no one would notice. _In love just after a year_? Anthony had said it a few days ago and she knew what she was feeling was a lot more than what she had a year ago but _love_? That word was thrown around so much and seemed to be the thing to aim for but she wasn't sure on it anymore. She sighed hoping it was love that she was feeling. Cora snapped back from her day dreaming sighing slightly annoyed that Violet always had to ruin everything. She turned to her daughter remembering her true reason for the visit. She would not voluntarily put her self through tea with her mother in law unless there was something to be gained or discussed.

"Edith dear we're having a charity event after you come back from London. We're going to invite a few old friends to stay and your father and me thought it might be a nice idea for you and Anthony to stay over like an extended holiday."

"Oh do I get to stay over too or am I expected to beg with the rest of the poor outside for scraps? I did live in that house once and you will do well to remember that."

"Honestly Violet you can be so melodramatic sometimes."

"I'm not sure mama. Anthony is awfully busy. I will ask him."

Edith said trying to cool the atmosphere between her mother and grandmother. She could often see where Mary and her got it from sometimes. She sipped her tea thinking how nice it would be to go home. She had not slept in her old room since she had been married. She felt awfully left out, more so, now she had left Downton. The little jokes or references she didn't get anymore, though she never had got them before normally because she was the butt of them. She looked up feeling her blood run cold hearing her grandmother speak. She didn't want to tell them about how difficult things had been lately. She was hoping it would all calm down and started to feel very unsure if she wanted to stay at Downton after all, they would see how badly Anthony and her got on.

"He sounds like he is very busy, I do hope he has time for you."

"Of course he does."

"Good because I do hope he doesn't leave you lacking in the children department like he did with Maud."

Edith put her cup down with a clatter almost feeling a pain in her stomach. Her grandmother could be terribly brash sometimes and looking up at her mother who had just started choking on her tea even she didn't know what to say. She sat for a moment thinking. _Is that what they all thought_? _That they should have children by now?_ She almost wanted to cry at the thought, she may never be able to have children, again she would disappoint everyone. She always had and she knew it. She wasn't beautiful like Mary or political like Sybil. She was boring and now in the one place she had felt safe, the one person she had felt safe with would be disappointed too just like the rest of them, _Anthony_.

"I think I best be off. The train for London leaves soon and I wouldn't want to hold anyone up. Thank you for tea."

"Of course dear. Do let me know your decision about coming to visit."

"Certainly. Goodbye."

Violet lent back in her chair watching Edith leave the room quickly almost tripping over her self. She clutched her walking stick tightly ignoring the angry look on Cora's face. She was in her own house so she could say what ever she liked. Cora took a sip from her tea cup hearing the front door open then close. The clock ticking awfully loud made them aware of how long it had been since either one had said anything. Cora spoke first ready to admit she would like Violets help and advice. Though it never came willingly. She had wondered why Edith had gone to tea with her. Could Edith not ask her for advice?

"I do hope Anthony and Edith are going to be all right."

"Why what's happened?"

"Nothing that I know of. I just get that feeling that's all."

"We all get lots of feelings Cora but it's terribly American to talk about them let alone admit to them."

* * *

Feeling his hand on her arm it almost made her jump at the touch. It had been a long time since her and Anthony had shared affection, properly and in their marital bed. She didn't mind overly as she knew her and Anthony weren't like that and considering what she had been through he was ever so understanding. She rested her hand on his and smiled before it faded into worry. He watched her feeling concerned as she watched the countryside speed past the train window. He wished he could ask her what was wrong but he didn't see the point she would just say it was nothing. He knew she had tea that morning and hoped no one had said anything too hurtful. Her family were almost blind to how she was feeling and Mary was even worse, the little comments that no one seemed to notice. _Had Edith stopped noticing them too_? He cleared his throat trying to think of something to say to ease the uncomfortable atmosphere.

"I do hope the weather holds out. They say it is to rain in London."

Now he was talking about the weather, it brought a strange sense of dread. _Could they not have normal conversations like every one else_? He was making small talk with his wife and even she didn't seem interested. He'd often wondered if he was really too old for her, if she found him ever so dull and boring. _What was he supposed to talk about_? He had no idea and felt hopelessly lost. He guessed because Edith had spent so long in her own company that she didn't like the company of others and it pained him to think it but maybe she didn't know what to talk about either. He shifted uncomfortably in the seat but still she said nothing. He couldn't blame her, she was a smart woman. He knew that from their talks in the library so very late at night and how she always read the newspaper over his shoulder when ever she could. _Is that what he should talk about, news and current affairs_? It hardly seemed appropriate. Edith turned to him with such a blank expression on her face feeling to exhausted too even give him an expression.

"I forget to say my mother has invited us to stay at Downton after our trip to London. They're holding a charity event."

"That's very kind of her. Would you like to go?"

"It would make a change I suppose."

He would have to stay in the same house as Mary and possibly Violet not to mention Robert. He just about managed to suppress a groan when he heard his wife start laughing. He turned to her as she closed her eyes slightly holding her stomach. He wasn't really sure what was so funny but he smiled. It was nice to finally see her happy, hearing her laugh. He hadn't heard it for such a long time, he remembered in the first few months of their marriage it was very difficult for her to even give him a genuine smile but slowly things had changed. He closed his eyes for a moment knowing he would never forget the first time he heard such a beautiful laugh. He opened his eyes and smiled at her as she sat watching him.

"What is so funny?"

"The look on your face. My family aren't that bad are they?"

"Of course not dear."

She smiled at him sighing slightly. These were the moments she loved so dearly when they were caught off guard and she realised how happy she was. She couldn't exactly blame him for being so afraid of her family. How she had lived with them for so long she did not know. He lovingly put his arm round her and she sat close to him glad that they were not as far apart as she had thought. He decided to get out his newspaper so they could read it together not caring he had read it once already, he loved to hear her thoughts on everything. He pulled out his newspaper and together they read it, he happily gazed down on her as the first drops of rain fell on the glass. It almost pained him, he loved seeing her happy but it hurt him so bad to keeping lying to her, he felt awful knowing that soon she might not be so happy anymore and it would all be his fault.


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: Thank you agin for being so lovely about this fic and I'm sorry I have made it so depressing. I really am as I like this couple so much. The chapter after this should improve their happiness so don't worry too much. There will be some happiness._

_You are going to seriously hate me for this chapter but it had to happen for the story so please don't hate me too much! All will make sense soon. _

_Okay I'm going to go hide now while you read it. Please be nice!_

_Thanks for reading!_

* * *

Anthony had been grateful that people had wanted to come to their dinner party but Edith had sat herself at the other end of the table to him, he knew why. It was just keeping up with what was acceptable. He didn't understand why people disapproved so much of them, they were happy or at least they had been. He was feeling very tired and had toyed with the idea of going to bed early. He was sure Edith wouldn't mind as there were plenty of people her age that had come along, they could easily keep up with her. He sighed, he could quite easily keep up with his wife he was just tired that was all. They had planned to talk but some how the time had gotten away from them and they had seemed happy for the past few weeks. Tomorrow they had said. It was always tomorrow that they would sort their problems. At first he didn't mind but now he was getting annoyed and just wanted to talk her properly, to the clear the atmosphere that had built. Anthony had excused himself to bed with a headache when most of the guests were leaving apologising to Edith but she told him to go.

Edith would have been more worried about Anthony going to bed but the past two weeks in London had seemed perfectly normal and they had been very happy. She sighed thinking about it all maybe it was just in her head that there was something wrong with him, maybe it was just her guilt. She dismissed it quickly smiling gratefully at the handful of guests that were finally making their way home. She had underestimated how exhausting it was to have so many people in your home who looked to you for entertainment. It certainly made a difference from hiding in the corner watching Mary take all the attention. Edith had felt bad for not missing her husband very much during the end of the evening. It wasn't that she didn't enjoy his company she just let her self forget for a few minutes that she was meant to be with him. For years these dinner parties were a chance for Mary to play games but now she wasn't there and she was going to take advantage of it. Edith thought about it again but this time wearily,_ is this what the next 30, 40 years would bring if they didn't have children_? She didn't mind at all but she guessed somewhere between all the operas and dinner parties they would always feel that there was something missing. _Is that why it was so difficult because he expected more of her_? It was a horrible thought and she decided she mustn't jump to conclusions. She had told herself she wouldn't have made a good mother anyway and maybe someone was trying to tell her something. As Thompson the butler closed the front door she finally let her shoulders relax glad that she would get to go to bed and check on Anthony.

"Is that the last of them Thompson?"

"One more milady. John Gray."

"I'll see him out. Why don't you and the staff go to bed its been a long day."

"Thank you milady. Good night."

She turned towards the drawing room feeling ever so tired._ Why was there always one that refused to go home_? Hearing the servants door to downstairs shut she advanced towards the dimly lit room preparing her self to make an excuse to get rid of him. Feeling a bit faint from too much wine she ventured over to his sofa standing next to it. She smiled at him but now she was feeling rather bored of how immature he was and was longing for a conversation with Anthony. He was so intelligent and knew about everything. She always knew she could ask his thoughts and they would be filled with advice and wise words. She nodded politely at what ever it was that John was going on about. She knew she was being impolite but her head was rather hurting and she just wanted to go to bed. She looked up from the floor hearing him speak again his face ever so serious wondering when he had started talking about her husband.

"Why are you really with him Edith? He is not right for you at all. What is he for? Like a father you never had? Is it for the money?"

"How dare you. He is my husband and I love him very much. If I were to tell my husband what..."

"Who are you trying to convince? There are so many better men out there for you."

It was then that she realised during the course of their conversation John had stood and had now in fact cornered her against a wall and he was too close for it to be explained as innocent. Her wine clouded thoughts seemed to part for a moment, common sense flooding her body. _Had she really given him that impression_? He was attractive yes but men like that were never interested in her, ever._ Why now_? _Why him_? She spoke firmly looking into his eyes unsure how to handle the ungentlemanly behaviour. _How would she explain this to anyone_? _Had he had too much to drink_?

"What are you doing? I am a married woman. My husband is just up..."

She was promptly cut off as he kissed her. It took her a few moments to realise what was happening and even though everything was screaming at her to stop, that it was wrong she didn't. She almost felt powerless against hiss passionate kiss and wondering hands. She got lost in the moment forgetting every wrong feeling she had about it before she suddenly felt like her conscience had given her a slap across the face. She pushed him away, her chest heaving feeling ever so guilty. Not only had she kissed him but she enjoyed it. She felt so disgusted with her self and just stared at the young man smirking in front of her. _How would she explain it to Anthony_? She decided she wouldn't. It didn't mean anything. Nothing had really happened. _Had it_? She quickly made her way towards the door not being able to look at him. She stopped hand on the door handle when he spoke.

"Don't you want more than what he can give you?"

She gasped in horror at him feeling so flustered she could barely get the door open. She tried dismissing his words at once but the doubts in her mind were too strong. She wouldn't listen to him, she couldn't. She told her self that she would not listen to that selfish immature voice in her head, the voice that was feeling far too confident after too much wine. She would not give her drunk thoughts a chance to be heard, she loved Anthony very much and nothing would change that. The room felt far too hot and she wasn't sure she could face her husband again. _What had she done_? She had never felt more guilty in her life. She just told her self nothing had happened and hoped Anthony would think the same. She opened the door trying to control her nerves and shaking hands. She saw him out before locking the door thankful that he didn't put up a fight. Venturing into the hall she looked up at the stairs to the first floor. Taking a deep breath she took the first step.

* * *

Anthony had decided to wait for his wife to come to bed and sat in their bed reading a book. He hadn't long got settled when he heard rushed footsteps and then the door opened. Edith appeared in the room slamming the door shut. She stood still facing the door almost trying to collect her self. He called her name. Edith jumped turning round leaning on the door just being able to make out her husband against the low light of the lamp. This felt a lot worse than she thought it would. She forced a smile and went into the bathroom locking the door and sitting on the bath her head swimming. She turned towards the mirror, her hair was messy and her lipstick smudged. She lent forward resting her head in her hands not believing what she had done. She jumped nearly falling off the bath hearing a knock at the door a moment later. Anthony rested against the door slightly something was wrong but he couldn't place it. _Was she upset at him going to bed_? He sometimes forgot that this was all new to her and hoped she wasn't too overwhelmed. He spoke quietly unsure what to say but the voice he heard in return didn't sound like Edith's. It sounded different and distant.

"Edith are you alright?"

"Perfectly. Thank you."

"The staff have all gone to bed and Mrs Miller is still in bed with a cold. I can help you undress if you like?"

"I'll be out in a minute dear."

She felt sick at the thought. His hands where Johns hands had been. His lips kissing hers where his had been. _Why did her ladies maid have to be ill_? Of all the days she chose now. Another thought hit her,_ is that what he wanted, her in his bed_? She supposed it would be his right, they had been in London for two weeks but she had spent most of that time sleeping on the edge of the bed afraid to kiss him in case he wanted more. It wasn't that she didn't want to she just felt so guilty for lying to him and just lately things had felt different between them. Happy but almost as if it was a mask covering the cracks. She sighed straightening her back. She was his wife and she would share his bed, she had too if she didn't he would know something was wrong. Of course he would never force her but the idea that he would question her if she didn't sleep with him was like a gun to her head and she stood taking a deep breath preparing her self for a very uncomfortable evening. She took one more look at her self in the mirror before turning out the light and unlocking the door.

* * *

Edith sat uncomfortably in front of her aunt who just sat sipping her tea in their drawing room unaware that her uninvited visit had caused her niece to feel very unprepared for any questions she might ask. Edith knew she always wanted the gossip about what was happening at Downton but she hadn't asked anything at all so she was feeling very on edge about why she was visiting. It's not like they really got along. That was Mary and Rosamund. Rosamund turned her head slightly to one side watching Edith. She thought she knew her rather well but now she guessed she didn't and spoke with a shrill tone to her voice. Sounding much like her mother but she would never admit it.

"I heard you had a held a dinner party on Friday."

"Yes it was quite enjoyable."

Rosamund watched her niece as she took her tea, her nervous eyes darting around the room. Edith had been feeling terrible since Friday. Three whole days of torturing her self over the details, every little one. She just hoped Anthony would never ask her about it, he would know in a heartbeat what she had done. She sighed putting her tea cup down it felt far too much keeping two secrets from him. She had been at first unsure if she would make a good wife. Now she was sure she had failed in all areas._ Did Anthony know it too_? _Did he feel it when ever they spoke and she got stuck or when he wanted to make love to her but she pushed him away, when he kissed her and she_... She couldn't think about it, it was eating her up inside and felt she was going to go mad. Pressure from everywhere, everyone suggesting different things, telling her different things and then if she were to say something wrong everybody would tut and look away. _Was it really too much to ask for help_?

Anthony paused outside the drawing room hearing Rosamund and Edith talk. He did not like spying but he had often wondered what the ladies talked about at tea and he just wanted to make sure Edith was alright as she had been in a funny mood since the dinner party. He had been afraid that it was because it was of him, what they had done. He was so confused, he thought she was ready. He stood for a moment longer about to hear the words that would crush his heart and change his world for ever.

"Are Anthony and you alright?"

"We are very happy thank you."

"Are you really?"

"I just said so. Why do you ask?"

"It's just that happily married people don't kiss their dinner guests."

He heard Edith coughing on her tea slightly before saying nothing. He lent forward towards the closed door. Still nothing. _Then that must mean_... he closed his eyes feeling his heart so heavy. No she couldn't have. _Had he really been such a terrible husband that he had neglected her enough to stray_? That wasn't Edith at all, _was it_? _Had he married her not knowing her at all_? So many questions, too many answers and not one making sense. He left the door way not really feeling his shaky legs moving before he collapsed at his desk in his library. _How would he look at her knowing that another man had kissed her_? _Was that all there was to it_? He closed his eyes and rested his head in his hands. Edith had made love to him that night but was it really out of love? No it was out of guilt and it was so clear now. He had at first wondered about his feelings but sitting there in the silence, his heart feeling fractured, he knew he loved her more than he had ever loved anyone. He would fix this, all he could do was try, she couldn't blame him for that.

* * *

Anthony normally enjoyed the opera but hearing what he had heard that lunchtime he couldn't focus on anything. The music seemed too loud and the stage lights too bright even from their private balcony. He hadn't spoken to Edith at all but now wished he had. He knew he had been off with her and she would surely question him when they returned home. _How would he start that conversation_? _Bring it straight out into the light or should he just keep it in the dark_? He realised now he wasn't even looking at the stage just focused on the wall the other side of the large room. He hadn't even noticed that the show had finished and the audience that had risen and applauded were now leaving. He flinched feeling her arm on his,_ did she touch the man she had kissed like that_? He looked up meeting her tired eyes as she stood.

"Are you alright dear?"

"Yes. Just tired."

Edith felt wretchedly unhappy again. _Just tired_. That was all he ever said to her now. _Was it a cover for something_? They said no more until they returned home. Edith was grateful for the fire that had been lit in the bedroom as it had gotten rather cold out. She sank down on her dressing table chair removing her uncomfortable shoes. It had been a pleasant evening but Anthony had been terribly distracted and she wasn't sure if she should ask what was wrong. Looking up she saw him watching her his arms crossed his face deep in thought. She felt her self grow hot and blush. _Why was he looking at her in such a way?_

"Anthony..."

"Why did you not tell me?"

"About what?"

"What happened at the dinner party."

_Oh god_. _Had he seen them_? _Heard aunt Rosamund_? She sighed looking at the floor holding tightly onto the necklace round her neck feeling so nervous._ What would he think of her now_? She had done some stupid things but this was even worse than anything. She thought he was so angry at her he couldn't speak, couldn't look at her she was sure that was why. He sighed and looked into her worried eyes feeling such regret for having to even confront her. She spoke her shaky voice echoing slightly.

"It meant nothing it was just a kiss."

"It meant enough for you to hide it from me."

Anthony said collapsing on to the bed. It was unravelling so spectacularly he wasn't sure he could do anything at all to stop it. Taking a moment to think it through he closed his eyes. He felt such guilt that he had driven his wife so far away she felt she had to rely on another man for affection, a connection. He spoke opening his eyes.

"I'm so sorry Edith."

She almost felt like fainting with the shock of it all. She was the one that had lied but he was apologising. She had at first loved his great skill at literature but now she hated it, everything seemed like a riddle. She sighed and folded her arms. She had to know the truth once and for all even if it hurt. _Why had he been acting so strange_? She would ask him now. But still her grandmothers words echoed in her ears so loud it almost gave her a headache. _Men will always be unfaithful and I will not insult you by saying you must live with it_. But he hadn't been unfaithful at all, it was her.

"Please tell me Anthony. What's wrong?"

"You really want to know whats so wrong?!"

He said almost shouting looking up at her feeling so angry but not at her, at himself. Five minutes passed by so painfully slow and still he had not said a word. Clearly he was in shock at having to reveal his hand so soon. He knew Edith had been worried but he didn't know it was about him. He sighed scared of saying the truth, saying it out loud. Making it all true and horrible and having to deal with it. Feeling the mattress dip he looked up to see her at his side. The only light spilling out from the fire and the lamp beside them. She knew now it was something much more than nothing and squeezed his hand for support. He looked to her again and covered her hand with his shaking hand. She lent forward towards him wanting to tell him every secret she had ever kept. She felt like she ought to. The guilt they both shared was getting unbearable and all Edith wanted to break free from it, from everything she knew. The silence was only broken when he spoke quietly his voice faulting slightly filling the quiet room.

"Oh Edith, dear, I have been such a fool."

"I can't confirm or deny that till you have told me what you have done."

He sighed looking away at the clock on the mantle piece. It was one minute to midnight. A minute till a new day. A day that would see everything changed. He never wanted to place such bad news on her but now he saw it differently. He knew it would be a lot worse keeping it a secret. _Would she feel betrayed that he had not told her straight away_? He took a moment drawing a breath before facing her properly. It was time to be honest with her and he silently prayed in his head that he would not have to face the new day alone.


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: Hi everyone! Thought I'd post a new chapter a lot sooner than planned just because I feel awful on how the last chapter went. I'm so sorry!_

_Let me explain myself. I feel this couple was put together all wrong in the show so I'm taking it all apart then trying to put it back together again. Fingers crossed I do them justice._

_So if the last chapter didn't make you sad or close to tears this one will and if it doesn't then I'm a terrible writer!_

_Also thank you for your views on the whole Edith/Mary thing. I really wanted something that would help sort of "bond" the girls together and not only that but the kiss will be an important part in the story later on. I just wanted to focus on the fact straight after it happens she is more concerned on the effect on Anthony not so much herself. The start of her personality change maybe?_

_Right I'm going to stop waffling. Here is the sad (hopefully) chapter 6. *sob*._

* * *

"Anthony?"

She said ever so quietly. Unsure if he would feel like she was pushing him. She didn't want that at all, she knew he was hurting after what he had found out from her aunt. It had almost killed her to see the look in his eyes and she was sure he would never forget. _How could she have been so foolish to cause him so much pain_? She had been trying to fix him. She thought about it again, maybe he was trying to fix her too and somehow it had got all muddled and now they were both so broken and tired from failed attempts at repairing each other they couldn't be fixed. Anthony met her eyes and spoke trying to keep his voice level.

"Do you remember lady batten?"

"Yes."

_How could she not_? That is where all the silly doubt started. _Was he going to tell her that she had something to be worried about_? She couldn't blame him, she had cheated on him after all. He was taking some time to speak again but she waited. That's all she could do for him now, wait and listen. Patience is a virtue and she would wait a lifetime if it meant making them closer, making her understand what was going on beneath it all. She looked down at their joined hands. Strange, she thought, how every body's hands fitted together perfectly yet hers only felt right in his. She looked up hearing him speak quieter, more softly.

"Lady Batten's cousin is a doctor. That's why I was on the phone with her."

"A doctor? I don't...Anthony?"

"He works here in London. I went to see him because doctor Clarkson said I needed tests."

He said looking at her pleading eyes answering her question. She was so very young it was not fair but life wasn't and it was a side of life that people of their class hardly saw. He let out a ragged breath. He knew she wanted to know more and he wasn't sure if he could tell her. Break the world they had been living in where everything was shiny and prefect._ It wasn't, isn't and never had been_. There had been moments where things went smoothly but _what was the point in that_? They had nothing to help them grow as a couple. As terribly cruel as it was he had tried to tell him self there was a positive aspect. Deep down he knew she would never see that. Not now at least. Edith spoke feeling in shock like the clock had stopped ticking and they had ventured else where.

"You never said a word."

"I didn't want to tell you the truth until I knew how serious it was."

"Is it serious?"

Her heart almost stopped in that moment and the room seemed to be spinning. His face just focused on hers, too busy trying to read what she was feeling to show any emotion at all. Any regrets or doubts seemed to disappear. _How had she not noticed at all_? How selfish she had been. She sat up slightly all she wanted to do was hold him. Make things better. _She could do that couldn't she_? She glanced round the room thinking of something to say. She had never felt so scared in all her life. The man she loved was sick and she couldn't change it. She almost felt angry that this was happening to him, happening to them. _Punishment for something_? When he spoke she was glad he was taking the lead with the conversation hoping her brain would start to work again so she could speak. He didn't want to reveal the whole truth, he couldn't. His thoughts that had been going round in circles caught up with him, the reality finally hitting him and he let go of her hand.

"Oh Edith you can't began to understand how awful it would be for you to endure this with me. I must ask that you go back to your parents."

"If you think I am leaving you now or that I would ever leave you then you don't know me at all."

She didn't even know what they would be facing together. She didn't want to ask what was wrong almost as if it felt insensitive. She felt insulted that he would think that she would not want to do this with him._ Did he think that was all she had wanted, was to get married_? She felt angry but let it go speaking again not being able to look at him as if finding out from his reaction would make it worse.

"Anthony please tell me, how serious it is?"

She finally looked at him taking a moment to collect her thoughts. Seeing his eyes on the brink of tears her heart felt like it almost shattered, feeling the tears in her own eyes she closed them for a moment before pulling him into a close embrace. _How had she not seen it at all_?_ How could she only think of her self_? She vowed in that moment to change. Her husband needed her and she would be the wife he needed. What he must have been going through. None of it mattered anymore she just wanted him to get better. He pulled apart feeling ever so guilty for causing the tears in her eyes. He would have to tell her the truth if they were to go anywhere from here.

"Very, I'm afraid. It's my heart Edith. It's...it's not...well they don't know if they can fix it."

"We will find the best doctor and you will get better and I will be there with you by your side."

"Edith, I don't think you understand. This isn't going to be easy. I've been here with Maud, remember? I can't put you through that. I'm very sick and I...I don't know if I'm ever going to get better."

She offered out her hand and gave him the best smile she could manage through her silent tears that were gliding down her face. _How could she forget Maud_? She was always there like a ghost lingering on every resentment or misunderstood word. She would be by his side and she had never meant something so much before in her life but he couldn't see it. _Would being there for him excise Maud's ghost and give life to their marriage_? The grief of his ill health clouded everything. _Yes_ he would get angry and he would say things he didn't mean but she loved him. She knew that now. It was the only certainty, the only constant now they were on moving, uncertain ground.

He wanted to protest, to tell her to find a good husband but he didn't want to lose her, not really. He just didn't want her to stay and watch him get sicker. She shouldn't have to do that at all. He loved her enough to let her go. He looked down at her hand taking it before she squeezed it and nodded. He admired her strength so much and wished he could match it. He spoke meeting her red eyes with his.

"How did I ever deserve such a beautiful and brave wife as you my dear?"

"_Together_ Anthony, I promise you with everything I have, we_ will_ find a way through this."

The clock seemed to be ticking again and ever so loud. A deafening reminder that time was ever so short; their time together was now ever so short. It was precious and fragile and Edith decided she would do everything she could to keep it safe, to keep it from breaking.

* * *

"Darling, do you think we should put Edith and Anthony in the same room?"

"Hmm?"

Robert said not really listing as he read his book as he sat in bed with his wife. How funny, he had often thought, she would love to talk for hours on end about the days events and he was quite happy with a book. Not that he didn't enjoy the talk, he just sometimes enjoyed the silence more. Like Edith, she always liked a good book too and they would sit for hours together in the library. They hadn't done it in years and he doubted they would ever do it again. He finally put down his book feeling a little sad and turned to his wife. _Had she mentioned Edith_? He only felt slightly worried. They had been in London almost a month now and he had barely heard anything at all. He was still getting used to the idea that she was no longer down the hall or gone for a walk in the garden. He would love to have his daughter home even if it was few a days. His wife stared at him almost as if he were stupid. He never listened. She sighed putting down her housekeeping book. She was stressing herself arranging everything for the charity event. She didn't want to have to ask again, once was enough. She knew how protective he could be of his daughters. She lifted the letter slightly from Edith making her point.

"Normally there wouldn't be a question but I got a letter from Edith saying Anthony has been a bit under weather recently and asked if they could stay in the same room."

"Oh is he alright?"

"She doesn't really say. Just a cold I shall imagine. Should I put them in the same room?"

Robert groaned slightly putting his book on the bedside table. He didn't understand why she would want to be close to him when the man was unwell and spending so much time together in London. _Wouldn't she want some space_? _Was it just to show off to her sisters_? He sighed looking at the letter in her hands wanting to read it but knowing he mustn't pry. How he had longed for a letter from her even if it was about nothing at all. He shuffled down in the bed not wanting to think about what Edith and Anthony would do alone in her room. He yawned slightly reaching and turning out the light testing his wife's patience.

"No dear. We shouldn't. What will the other guests think? How ghastly. Goodnight dear."

With that he turned over in bed. She sighed, annoyed. Well she wasn't planning on tell his mother if that's what he was worried about. Of course he didn't want to think about it and neither did she that was private to them but she was pleased her daughter seemed more caring. She had softened almost under Anthony's watchful eye. She felt excited hearing Edith had hosted a large dinner party in London, she heard people had said how enjoyable it had been. Finally she could talk to someone about the troubles of a seating plan or problems with the menus. Something Mary would be annoyed at but in a way she was pleased. It was common ground for her and her daughter at least and it would be a start to bridge a good relationship. Especially if she were to get a grandchild. She spoke putting her book on the bedside table next to her.

"Do you think we should expect grandchildren soon Robert?"

Robert groaned again and pulled the pillow over his head much to his wife's dismay. He would not think about it. She was his daughter and even if she was married she shouldn't be having sex. _Ever_. Slowly the memory came back to him, the memory from just over a month ago. His talk with Anthony. Edith had miscarried,_ hadn't she_? It defiantly felt like it and he hoped there were no problems at all. Cora had mentioned the doctor visiting and how pale she had seemed at tea before London. He really did hope his wife wouldn't be disappointed or mention it. That was the last thing Edith would need and it would probably cause Mary to use it as a weapon. He was taken from his thoughts as he felt a playful shove from his wife before she turned out the light.

"Honestly Robert your going to have to get used to the idea one day."

"Yes one day. Not right now. Can't she be my little girl for a little while longer?"

* * *

Edith felt ever so nervous, more so then Anthony she was sure as they sat in the small doctors waiting room in London. She looked round the room. It was all so foreign to her. She had never really been ill nor had any of her family. She guessed she would have to get used it and quickly. She tried hard to keep her foot from tapping nervously on the floor. _How long would the doctor be_? She didn't care if they missed the train to Yorkshire, she would be glad to put it off. Time seemed so very important now and being with other people clouded it. She turned to see Anthony sitting in the chair next to hers looking tired but watching her with such love in her eyes. How after what she had done she wasn't sure but she was grateful, so very grateful for letting her be here with him. He spoke slowly, aware how she was feeling. He had felt the same when he arrived too.

"Dear you mustn't look so nervous. It's not you he's going to be prodding."

"Oh I know. It's just so...I just worry that's all."

She lent forward and kissed him on the cheek before resting a reassuring hand on his cheek gazing in his eyes for a moment before settling back in the chair and looking forward reading the poster on the wall opposite them. An advertisement for funeral directors. She quickly looked away to the chairs to their left. A heavily pregnant woman sat with her husband chatting enthusiastically as they looked through a leaflet. She sighed sadly and decided to just focus on the floor. Then she wouldn't have to look at all these horrible reminders of things. Babies had been the last thing on her mind just lately and in a way she was glad she had never told him. It would have been more worry and stress he didn't need. She would tell him when the time was right, after her visit to Doctor Clarkson. She looked up hearing her husbands name and slowly followed him into the room. The door shutting behind them they sat in front of the doctors desk. He extend a bony hand to both of them not really looking at either of them as he was reading the notes in front of him.

"Lady Strallan it's nice to finally meet you. I'm glad Anthony as brought you. He will need the support of a loving wife at a time like this."

She smiled uncomfortably._ Did he think she hadn't come because she didn't want to_? She hoped not as she focused on a space above the doctors head so she wouldn't really have to look at him. He was far too old anyway, _was that good_? She wasn't sure and glanced at husband seeing what he thought but his face was a mixture of worry and something she couldn't work out. Anthony was trying hard not fidget, he had wanted to give the impression he was strong and so very good at this but now he was falling to pieces. He couldn't show Edith. She needed him to be there, she needed to depend on him. The sound of the doctor turning a page filled the room and Anthony had to do everything he could to stop himself from jumping over the desk and reading it. The doctor looked up at them clasping his hands together. It was then that Anthony felt a reassuring hand placed in his under the table. They did not need words at a time like this, they didn't even need a glance. He knew they had each other.

"Well Anthony as you know last time I saw you I said it was very serious. That still remains a fact. I'll just do an examination before I go any further."

Edith sat unsure what to do. She tried to watch the doctors reactions if it gave anything away but he was skilled enough to keep a blank face and just made the occasional noise and she was getting irritated. Twenty minutes later Anthony was sat back beside her. He was feeling exhausted and it was getting harder to hide but he kept focused on looking okay to reassure Edith he was strong enough to handle it all. He knew he should tell her the truth to get the benefit of her support but he just couldn't do it to her. He didn't care if it was selfish or not but he had taken a vow, at least to himself, that he would look after her. They listened to the doctor but all the results meant nothing to them. He spoke again taking off his glasses seeing their confused faces.

"We would like to monitor you further before we consider surgery. Just take lots of rest and we can reassess in a month. Though I would like you to see your local doctor weekly."

Edith's world felt upside down and all funny. _Surgery_. He had said it. The big word she didn't want to hear. No one ever survived surgery. _Did Anthony think that too_? Anthony not wanting to think about it all thanked the doctor and then went off to pay the receptionist but Edith stayed behind pretending to wait for him but in truth she wanted to talk to the doctor and when the door was closed she turned back to the desk and sat down. The doctor knowing what she was doing sat back down too. He spoke glancing at the door.

"Lady Strallan as I'm sure your aware your husband is very unwell."

"I just need to know. Will he get better? If not then how long..."

"Miss I wouldn't want to say..."

"Please doctor he is all I have. I need time to prepare. Not for me but for him. Please tell me."

Anthony collected his wife a few moments later. Stepping out onto the busy street it was like a different world. She looked at the crowd getting on with their lives, they were all unaware that they were struggling with theirs. He pulled her to one side, worried more then anything. He was surprised when she pulled him into a tight hug. Not wanting words, not needing them. He wrapped his arms round her glad of the warmth and comfort. What a fool he had been for not talking to her from the start. He spoke as she rested her chin on his shoulder, refusing to let the tears fall. _Why was it so difficult_?

"Oh Edith. Are you quite sure you want to do this with me?"

"When will you ever understand? I would hate the thought of anyone else but me by your side."

She said in a whisper next to his cheek before resting her head on his chest the days events bouncing round her head, the sound of his heart beating. She would give him a million beats of her heart if she could because every one of hers beat for him anyway. She wasn't sure what to think. She knew they had a train to catch but she didn't care and there they stayed for a moment long neither one wanting to let go of the moment in case there wouldn't be another one. Finally pulling apart she breathed in the cold September air. October was approaching fast and what a different month it would be then they had planed. She took a deep breath and extended her hand out to him and he took it squeezing it slightly glad of the support and love she offered. She looked up at him before walking to the waiting car.

"I love you Anthony."


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N: __Hi everyone! Did I mention how lovely your all being to me considering how badly I am treating this couple? _

_So a long chapter but I promise the ending is worth it._

_A quick note about the ending. You might think how did that happen? That's not possible is it? Yes I know but just read it and be happy. Hopefully._

_Thanks for reading!_

* * *

Cora was too busy over seeing the setting up of the saloon to even hear the car coming up the drive. She was expecting them but hadn't had time to look at a clock. Mary had seemed a little annoyed that morning but she had just ignored her and carried on as normal._ Isn't that what the English do_? _Have a cup of tea and move on_? She knew deep down it would take more than tea to fix whatever was broken between Mary and Edith. She wasn't sure what to think and frowned slightly at the set out of the chairs against the stage. It all looked wrong, _had she really asked for red flowers_? She didn't want her mother in law to have a go at her about running Downton again. Hearing Carson and seeing her husband come out of the drawing room she turned round her head still in a spin. She had no idea where her other daughters where but she had least wanted them to be there to greet Edith. She had been gone a whole month. _Never mind,_ she thought as she smiled brightly at them advancing towards them. They looked very tired and she decided she must send them to their room for a rest.

"Edith, Anthony! Welcome back to Downton. I trust London went well."

"Very thank you mama."

Edith said feeling so tired and trying hard not to show it as she placed a kiss on her mother's cheek. She seemed awfully excited about seeing them and she wasn't really sure why. She noticed how she looked her up and down before giving her a hug. _Was she expecting someone else_? She prayed her grandmother wasn't around she would call hugging middle class. Having affection from Anthony now made her realise how much she had missed it at home, receiving a hug from her mother made her feel all strange about it. Anthony politely took Cora's hand before shaking Roberts. He hoped they didn't know anything about his ill health. He didn't want to tell anyone until he was sure what was going to happen. Then he could arrange them around Edith properly to support her if, dare he even say it let alone think it, he was no longer around.

"Nice to see you Anthony. Your looking...well."

Cora said faulting slightly her hostess manners slipping for a moment. He looked very pale but she just smiled warmly at him as he looked up the stairs to the first floor, Edith was looking less enthusiastic. She was lost in thought, hoping her and Anthony would be in the same room. She knew she was just being over protective but what else could she do? She felt absolutely helpless for the first time in her life and it scared her so much. Without him she knew she would fall apart. _How had she let their relationship get so bad_? She sighed meeting her mothers eyes. Her mother could be known to be more cunning than her grandmother at times and it scared her. Cora spoke her smile still in place.

"Robert said he'd show you the library. I'll show Edith to her room."

They parted and climbing the stairs to her room Edith kept a watchful eye on Anthony. Her mother being kind was a nice change but it felt so strange, she was now stepping into a new house. One that had cared for her and loved her. No that wasn't Downton. That was Anthony's house. Edith slowed down on the way to her room. She felt nervous going back to her old room,_ wasn't it there where she had imagined being with Anthony_? It almost felt wrong to let him in there and she couldn't even say why. Like two of her worlds coming together. She was at least glad that they would be together she thought as she heard her mother speak as they walked along the corridor, she almost never wanted to be apart from him now.

"We have a lot of guests and unfortunately a few plumbing issues if your father asks why Anthony is staying in your room."

"Thank you mama."

"He's not too ill I hope. He did look awfully tired."

"Oh no nothing like that. Just a few headaches is all."

Edith said slowly pushing the door open and wondering round the room. How different it all seemed now since she had last visited. Nothing had moved but it almost seemed like it belonged to a different person. A shrine to her old self she thought feeling herself shiver in the cold room. She was here now, again but this time with the life she had longed for. How funny, she thought, that all her priorities had shifted. She looked over at her mother who had shut the door and had sat on the bed. She felt a horrible sense of dread as her mother patted the bed next to her._ Was she really going to have a talk with her now_? She tried her best not to roll her eyes as she sat herself down next to her.

"So dear is there any news?"

"I'm sorry?"

"About grandchildren?"

"Honestly mama. Is that all you ever think about?"

Edith said with a sigh unable to control her self rolling her eyes as she got up and went over to her dressing table. She opened the draw wondering what she had seen fit to left behind. Not much she noted. Just a pair of earrings she had got one Christmas from Mary. She picked them up and decided that she still thought they were ugly. Cora sighed feeling at her wits ends. It had been a whole year and she knew everyone was starting to talk about them. She often worried now that her daughter was married if she should have given her more guidance when she was younger. _Would they be having this talk now_? _Would Edith be telling her truth_? She spoke again her daughter turning to her folding her arms. Though not looking at the floor like she normally would, she was looking ever so determined and it was then that she realised how alike they were and how close they could have been if she would have made the effort.

"But don't you want children?"

"Maybe I just want to get to know my husband first."

* * *

Anthony had felt curious at seeing Edith's room. He had never really thought about it before but it would be interesting. A room, he often thought, reflected the person. Clearly she was different now but this room is where she had gotten ready for their wedding, where she had hopefully laid awake with excitement the night before, where she had written many letters to him and where she had probably dreamt off their life together. How different it was all working out now he thought as he made his way to her room trying to remember the directions he had been given. How he wished he could stop worrying. He knew he was tiring her asking if she truly wanted to be with him now. She had said yes she wanted to be with him but still he felt like he was such a terrible burden. These were meant to the best years of their, _her_ life. Now she was caring for a sick old man. He stopped outside her door hearing voices. Hearing what her and her mother was talking about he decided he really should stop listing the other side of doors.

"But all you ever wanted as a child was a family of your own..."

"Mama please. Anthony and I aren't even sure if we want children and besides it will happen when it happens."

Deciding to save his wife from the torture she was clearly facing he knocked loudly cutting Cora short on what she was about to say. He entered slowly, smiling at them both trying hard not to act like he was spying. Cora stood politely and clasped her hands together. Clearly her and Edith would talk about this later and she gave a look to her daughter to tell her this. She made her way to the door turning slightly before leaving a slight frown on her face.

"Where is Robert?"

"He had to go. There was a problem with one of the cottages apparently."

"Honestly that man...I'll go find him. I'll see you for tea."

Cora said remembering that although Anthony was married to her daughter she shouldn't bad mouth her husband in front of him and with a quick smile she left. Anthony took a walk round the bed suddenly feeling more tired than he remembered. _Was this really a good idea_? Feeling Edith watching him he looked up and met her smile. Edith looked away at the view and when she looked over again Anthony had sat on the bed. _Was he alright_? She sat next to him and rested her head on his shoulder sighing. Maybe she should let him rest, maybe they both should rest. It was exhausting thinking, worrying all the time. _Did he think she was weak and so cruel for being tired too_? She saw it now all the little things that she had missed and saying I'm just tired meant the worst. He could not help but wonder if that's all she ever wanted was a family. _What could he do to make it better_? He rested his head on hers and spoke filling the quite room patting her hand slightly.

"Are you quite alright?"

"Yes, thank you. I'm just tired."

"Me too dear, me too."

* * *

"Are you well Anthony?"

Robert said noticing his walking companion had slowed down. Anthony nodded and just said it had been a long day. Cora had said he was unwell and Anthony had protested saying it was just a few headaches but he couldn't help but feel it was something more. He had offered him a walk through the grounds so he wouldn't feel overwhelmed more so after he had hardly anytime to talk to him when he had first arrived but he was increasingly quite and something was nagging at him. He guested to the bench next to the path seeing the poor man needed a sit down but knowing he would never say. Anthony took it gladly sighing as he sat down. He had tried to keep up but it was just too difficult. _Did Robert know something was wrong_? He ignored it as he looked at the large house in front of them as Robert joined him, his dog sitting next to the path clearly annoyed at having her walk cut short. _Is that what Edith would have for god knows how long_? _A useless husband_? It pained him to think of life without her. He knew it wasn't about him anymore it was about both of them and he couldn't help but think if he left her then she could find a decent husband. _Was that really the right thing_? He turned to Robert his head full of thoughts and idea. Not one seeming right.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"When you married Cora did you ever...do you ever worry about what will happen when your no longer there?"

It was a strange question but Robert would answer it. He sighed relaxing on the bench the air starting to turn cold. _Why was he even asking_? _Was he more ill then he made out_? He had never thought about it that much now the estate was going to be in good hands but he had never thought of Cora in all of it. He felt guilty knowing he had never thought about how she would fair if he was no longer there. _Would she turn out like his mama_? He saw it all so clearly now Violet was fiercely lonely but she could never admit to it. No Cora wasn't like that, she was American, strong and so very brave. He met Anthony's eyes taking a moment to think it all through. _Was he worried because Edith was younger than him_? He almost felt sorry for him knowing the worry he must be carrying.

"At the start I never did I guess because we had so much time ahead of us but then I fell in love. It changed everything. Yes I do worry an awful lot but we must not let fear stop us."

"Robert I just...I just need to know that no matter what happens Edith will be taken care of. I need to know she will be alright."

"Of course we would take care of her but if anything did happen...well I see it now. She's changed and shes' ever so strong. You did that Anthony, no one else but you. You mustn't worry you've prepared her for the future without ever knowing it."

He let Roberts words sink in, the wind dancing with the trees near by, the birds circling in flight above them. He knew he was right but still he was scared. The future had seemed so set and then Edith had changed it all and it was so wonderful, so full of hope but now._ Now_. That was the problem. The hard times, the times he hoped they would see through together. _Would she still love him if she had to care for him every day_? His head felt heavy and his heart even worse. He could not ask what would happen in a year or even in a week because they didn't know if that time was theirs to have. The time now was theirs and he decided he would find Edith and let her know he loved her just in case there wasn't another chance, if tomorrow wasn't their time.

* * *

Edith thought the day went fairly well but she was never sure of anything being at Downton. It seemed like a different world and she wasn't sure where she fitted in anymore. She was Anthony's wife but still she felt she would never have a place at Downton. She was looking at the book in front of her not really reading it. Glancing to her side she saw Anthony watching her, she thought he had gone to sleep and felt worried. _Could he not sleep too_? She put her book down and turned to him as he looked up at her. She was having a hard time sleeping too. The bed didn't feel like hers anymore and she longed for home. Her real home. She smiled at him rubbing her tired eyes. How she would love to know what he was thinking, he always seemed so lost in thought sometimes.

She slid down into the warm bed and rested a hand on his arm. She lent froward to kiss him goodnight like she always did but he wanted more trying to deepen the kiss. Like it wasn't enough to just have her next to him. That the growing closeness between them had to be shown otherwise he felt it wasn't real at all. She was awfully tired and was sure he needed rest too so she pulled away but he misread the single and tried to sit up so he could get closer to her wanting more than just kisses and only feeling her body heat through her nightgown. She was about to tell him to stop when he greyed slightly. She sat up pulling even further away from him turning on her bedside lamp flooding the room with light, the soft glow of the fire almost invisible now. Her worry had turned into confusion. _Why was he trying so hard to prove himself_?

"Anthony are you alright dear?"

He swung his legs over the side of the bed refusing to look at her. _How could he_? The pain in his chest had gotten considerably got worse. _What kind of husband was he if he couldn't even make love to her_? He hanged his head slightly clutching at his chest. It hurt but not much as the pain of knowing his wife would think him weak and silly. He just wanted to hide away and never have to face her again. He had not noticed that she had climbed over the bed and now sat next to him. She saw how his eyes were tightly shut his hand on his chest. She sighed feeling so sad, the poor man was struggling and all she wanted was for him to let her in. Let her be there for him. He was proud and stubborn but she was sure she could help him, if only he'd let her. Help him like he had helped her. She rubbed her hand on his back in soothing circles trying to take some of the pain away. Comfort was all she could offer. She held her hand out to him and spoke quietly aware the house was sleeping.

"Take my hand. Squeeze it until the pain goes away. _Please_."

She added knowing he would take some encouragement. He took his hand from his chest and placed it in hers taking deep breaths. He didn't feel like a husband in that moment, not even a man. It was so awful and sad all at the same time. This wasn't fair on anyone and he knew he shouldn't be so hard on him self but he had let her down in the worse way. He sighed the pain easing. He felt that Edith was almost as strong as the medication he had been given for the pain. She could take it all away and he was feeling so stupid for not giving her a chance sooner to help him through. Opening his eyes he met hers as she brushed the hair out of his eyes before she pulled him to her wrapping her arms round him so she could have him ever so close knowing he would want to run away. His hands stayed at his side. He felt so unworthy. He spoke but still she did not let him go.

"You deserve someone so much better."

"Shh Anthony. You mustn't..."

"But I can't even make love to you Edith! I can't even try to give you a child!"

She felt him pull away and stand up struggling to get his balance. She watched him with such sad eyes as he struggled to stay upright. He rubbed his eyes refusing to let him self cry. This was not like him at all and he was scared. It was all going wrong. She shouldn't be with him and the guilt he felt was bringing him down so badly. Feeling so very exhausted he sighed and sat down next to her wardrobe leaning on the wall. He didn't care that he was on the floor as he rested his head in his hands. _What could he do to make it better_? _To take it away_? He spoke into his hands so angry unable to control himself.

"Maybe you did well to kiss that young man. You saw it even before I did."

"Oh Anthony. My poor dear."

She crossed the room as quickly as she could. She knew it was difficult but she didn't care, she wasn't ever going to leave him no matter how hard he made it. She knelt next to him and took his hands away from his face refusing to let him be. Her first thoughts were juts to get him better and if he couldn't be cured then she would stay with him until the end. She almost winced thinking about it but she knew it was a possibility they both had to face. They could only do that together. Facing the future with honesty.

"I should have told you so very long ago. To stop this worry."

"What is it?"

"You mustn't worry that you're doing anything wrong. The day doctor Clarkson visited he said there might be complications."

He let every wall break down at that moment unable to keep it together._ Yes_ he was sad at not being able to give Edith a child, something to keep her going after he had gone but it was the fact that he had now failed much more than he had first though. He burst into tears not having the strength to hide it anymore. Not having the strength to carry on being the gentleman she had grown to know and love. What he would give to go back there so neither of them had to have this pain. Edith sat next to him unsure what to do, how to handle him. So she lent froward and kissed him his salty tears mixing with hers as she held him close to her. All she could do was pray and hope. They stayed together for a very long time until finally getting the message that they were so very right for each other and now the only thing that mattered was that they tried. Tried so very hard to put right the wrongs.

* * *

Edith was reluctant to visit the doctor for her self. It had been over two months since they had their first talk and she had been putting it off ever since. She felt guilty for even telling Anthony as he probably had enough of seeing doctors so she insisted on going alone. He seemed happy to rest a bit longer in bed still wounded from his breakdown a few nights before. Anthony noted his wife's sadness and quiet mood. Edith now seemed to understand what he was feeling without him saying a word. He felt worried at first in case he wouldn't be able to read her as well as she did him but he knew exactly how she was feeling as she had gotten ready to leave that morning. They finally felt like a couple and he was only a little bit sad feeling that the last year had been wasted time.

In a way she was glad if the news was bad as the doctor had predicted then they would face it together no more lies. She dragged out the walk as long as she could, knowing the visit would change everything. Strangely she thought she would be glad if he said they couldn't have children. Then there would be no pressure about it all and no worries about having to raise children if Anthony was so very unwell. Edith played the conversation over in her head as she entered the village surgery. "_You mustn't worry. What ever happens we will face it together. We seem quite good at that_." And she had kissed him and told him not to worry. She knew he was right or at least she had hoped so and never before had she felt ready to face the future no matter how bad it might be. Edith had realised rather quickly and rather recently that the future, _their_ future was uncertain now and they couldn't change it. It would happen no matter how much they worried or analysed it. It was their appointed time to face their darkest hour but Edith knew what ever would come would come. After her visit with the doctor she sat trying to work out what the look on his face meant as he spoke.

"I was really not expecting this. You are quite the exception."

"I can have children?"

_Were they about to be given a break in their run of bad luck_? She shifted in the chair not sure what to think, the doctor seemed quite happy. _Did this mean they could have children_? She clutched the arm of the chair so hard her hand almost went white. _Would they ever get a chance to have children_? _Was this worse than being told you couldn't have children,__ knowing you could have something but never being able to attain it_? Doctor Clarkson leaned back in his chair sighing slightly meeting her worried eyes. Edith spoke again breaking the uneasy silence that had built. She did not want false hope, not now she was facing everything that she was.

"Are you quite sure I can have children doctor?"

"Well considering your pregnant Lady Strallan I'd say we can be pretty sure. Congratulations."


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N: Hi! Hope your well. Thank you again for all the lovely reviews, PM's and follows and favourites it really does mean a lot that you all like this story._

_Okay just a quick note. I know Edith and Anthony hug a lot in this story. But who doesn't like hugging? Besides I wouldn't want to give poor Anthony a heart attack. No seriously let me explain I am far to English and prudent to even write a love scene between them. Really its pathetic I know but I don't write things like that very well. Maybe if I feel more confident about my witting later on I might write one. I don't really write kissing scenes very well either so I'm sorry if it's rubbish. Seriously I'm so English I feel terribly embarrassed for even writing this so I'm just going to apologise profusely whilst drowning my head in a large cup of tea!_

_Anyway I'm going to shut up, here is chapter 8. Not so depressing hopefully?_

_Thanks for reading!_

* * *

Edith laid in bed next to Anthony unable to sleep. She didn't know what time it was but she presumed the middle of the night as it was still dark. She glanced over at her husbands back feeling guilty. She hadn't told Anthony the news and she wasn't sure why. _Would it be too much pressure_? Anthony's health was still in question and she was so very worried not really sure how it had all happened. _Was this a sign that they were meant to be together_? _That he would get better_? Everyone would say Anthony was too old and she wouldn't make a good mother, if only she could silence those thoughts for a minute. _How would her and Anthony fair in all of it_? _Would she lose the baby again_? She closed her eyes hoping the answer would come to her. At first she thought she had fallen in love with him because she was so alone but now she knew it was so much more than that. She knew now it was because they needed each other and now she was ready to let someone love her for the first time in her life. Not getting any rest she sighed turning over in bed. Anthony had been sleeping very lightly when he felt the mattress shift slightly. She had been tossing and turning for a while and he turned to her. She was sat up on the edge of the bed, her head resting in her hands. Something was on her mind and he spoke sleepily unsure of how loud his voice would be in the silence.

"Are you alright dear?"

"I didn't mean to wake you I'm sorry.

Edith said almost jumping as she turned to face him, she thought he was asleep. He looked ever so tired and she felt guilty knowing how much he needed to rest. He reached across and touched her arm lightly feeling the last moments of sleep slipping away. Feeling cold Edith turned back into bed fussing with the blankets not feeling comfortable. She knew she was really distracting herself to not look at him. He knew something was wrong and she sighed laying on her side to face him as he spoke smoothing out the blankets.

"I do wish you'd tell me whats on your mind."

"Oh it's nothing."

"It's not nothing if it's keeping you awake."

He said his eyes, adjusting to the dark he saw her watching him. He knew she was worried about having children, he didn't really have to ask. She had seemed distant and jumpy ever since her return from the village that morning. They could have children and he was happy but slightly worried. It's not that he didn't want to be a father he always had wanted to be but it just got pushed to the back of his mind and the thoughts of a family were happy ones but ones that were glossed over with fear. _How would they ever raise a child if he was unwell_? _Would he even be able to raise it right if he was well_? He had never been very good with children when ever he had looked after them,_ why would it be different with his own children_? _What if he died before they even got a chance_? His head felt like it was going to explode with all the questions and the room was spinning as he meet her stare wondering why she didn't want to talk about it. Clearly the visit to the doctor had brought it all up again and he watched her with sad eyes hoping that soon they could just be happy. Edith sighed twisting her hands together under the blanket. She had to tell him. _Why was she even so worried_?

"Anthony do you still want children? I know it's difficult but do you?"

"Of course I do more than anything but clearly now isn't the right time that's why we are having problems."

"But what if we have a child at the wrong time? How will we know?"

"My dear if we are blessed with children then how can it ever be the wrong time?"

Seeing she was still unsettled he turned on his back and opened his arms that she crawled into gratefully. She had felt so alone and unsure but now with his arms wrapped around her she had never felt so safe before in her life. Anthony kissed her forehead feeling her arms round him their breathing slowly becoming in sync. He looked up at the ceiling as the sound of thunder could be heard in the distance, a flash of lighting filling the room before the sound of rain pelting the window broke the silence. He stroked her hair as she rested her head on his chest just listening to his heartbeat. It scared her so much and she knew she should make the most of their time together and looked up at him.

"Anthony?"

"Yes Edith."

Not hearing an answer Anthony finally looked down at her but her but she didn't seem sad and he was so very confused as she shifted slightly to look at him better without straining her neck. She was so very unsure of how he would feel. She took a breath and spoke again as calm as she could manage watching his face, watching for an expression.

"I didn't exactly tell you the truth earlier."

"About doctor Clarkson? Was he not sure?"

He considered putting the light on to see her clearer but then she laid back down and he didn't want to disturb her. _Why had she not told him the truth_? Edith wanted him to be happy. She wanted them to be happy. This is what he needed something more to fight for and she knew he could do it. _They both could_. As she rested her head back on his chest he held her tighter. _Yes_, now was the right time.

"Oh no he was quite sure. He said... well...Anthony he said I'm pregnant."

He felt shaken to pieces. He couldn't look after her. _Would she understand that he couldn't be a father, that he was too unwell, should he even try_? Closing his eyes he thought about it all. If he went away and left Edith's family to take care of her then she would never have to worry about him and she wouldn't be stressed. She needed peace and she needed a strong husband. He could feel his chest going tight realising he could never be the man she wanted and he had been foolish to think otherwise. What a silly game he had played with them all. Her family would hate him and he would be shut out forever. What kind of man leaves his family they would say. _A dying man_. No one had said it out right but he could almost hear their thoughts, the sad looks. _Oh god_. Edith needed her family and...he stopped him self. He was her family now and he should start acting like it no matter how scared he was. Feeling everything spinning again he lifted her face to his and kissed her tenderly and the relief on her face was evident as she settled back down in his arms shutting her eyes as he spoke in an almost whisper.

"I think we should take this as a sign that things are going to get better and we're going to be alright."

"Are you happy though?"

"Oh Edith you've made me the happiest man in the whole world, the happiest man amongst all the planets and stars..."

He trailed off closing his eyes too, listening to the rain and feeling Edith's warmth next to him. _Yes_, he had to be well again. To be the man she needed. It was with a smile he realised there was no longer two of them but now three of them and he was so very excited to meet his child, their child. To meet this new person they had created wondering if it would look like Edith, whether it would be like him. It would not be easy but nor did he want it to be, how then could you appreciate it all? It was such a heavy price to pay to sacrifice him self, to be so selfish to shut everyone off, it wasn't worth it. He would not let his illness destroy his life. Letting his thoughts die away he soon fell asleep. Both dreaming about their future family, both sleeping well in each others arms waking in the same position when the darkness turned into day.

* * *

Mary wasn't exactly sure how she found herself alone with Anthony in the dinning room over breakfast but she wasn't really bothered about making an effort. He was ever so boring and things had seemed tense between him and Edith. She knew she didn't even have to try to make trouble because Edith would destroy it all without even trying. She spoke quietly, aware that Carson was lingering behind the screen at the end of the room.

"I heard your dinner party in London had a few problems."

He looked up from the paper that he had laid over the table. He had barely heard what she had said and then realised that cold icy stare on her face. This was an attack but he knew he had an advantage. She would not expect him to know what happened so he looked up her pretending not to know a thing as she smirked bringing the tea cup to her lips. He had at first not believed all the stories Edith had told him about Mary but now staying in this house for the first time saw it all. It made him feel awful to even consider what Edith had been through. He wasn't sure why she had to keep trying to ruin things and he decided that he should find out. Maybe he could help to put it right.

"I'm sorry?"

"People talk you know? Apparently Edith did not exactly behave as she should."

"Some people had too much to drink yes but Edith handled it very well. She told me what happened and if you think for one minute that you..."

"Oh well your_ very_ trusting Anthony. I mean you were upstairs resting with a headache was you not? Most husbands would not be so trusting. So understanding."

He stopped every idea in his head, his blood running cold. Edith had told him the truth he was sure but what had she really said. He looked away into his tea that had now gone cold trying to remember the conversation._ It was just a kiss_. _Was it though_? Like he had said it was enough for her to hide it from him. He wanted to get the thoughts out of his head but he couldn't. Anthony's devastated face met hers and she knew she had won. Anthony felt sick about it all. Edith had made love to him that night, that's how she got pregnant surely but what if..._no he wouldn't_. Still the thoughts crept in weaving the web of doubt in his mind. _What if this baby, his only hope for something more wasn't his_? He glared angrily at Mary who just seemed perfectly normal with a look of peace on her face. She had no idea of the magnitude of what she had just done. Edith entered the room feeling blissfully happy until she felt the atmosphere, something felt very wrong about it. Before she sat down she went to kiss Anthony's cheek but he stood up abruptly before heading towards the door not looking at her. Unable to not only because of the doubt but because of the guilt for not believing her.

"Excuse me."

He said before slamming the door. Edith stood horrified. With Anthony it always seemed one step forward two steps back. Though she knew this wasn't about Anthony anymore. She glared at Mary as she stood calmly and made her way to the door. Edith was pretty sure she had never felt so angry before in her life. Mary wasn't really paying attention making her way out of the room too busy thinking about the look on Anthony's face. She felt someones cold hand on her arm that violently pulled her to one side. The look in Edith's eyes scared her slightly but she just held her head high trying not to look too afraid. _Why did Edith even care for Anthony so much_? Edith spoke in a whisper fearing she might actually kill her sister.

"What have you said?"

"Nothing that isn't true. I wouldn't feel too bad Edith it does run in the family."

It was then in that shocking moment Edith felt everything fall away. This is what it always came down to and now she saw the full picture. Mary wriggling free of her tight grip made her way towards the door. Edith felt sick, _is that why Anthony couldn't look at her_? She sighed wanting to just go back to bed. This would not happen. Her and Anthony were just about getting there she wouldn't let it go. Mary was now at the door when Edith spoke again freezing her to the spot. Scared wasn't a word she word normally use when talking about Mary but it all had become clear and she had never felt so bad in all her life.

"I'm sorry about Pamuk. You must have been really scared. I was foolish and I didn't know any better. I mean that I really do."

"You've made your bed Edith now you have to lie in it just like you made me lie in mine. I hope it's just as uncomfortable for you as it was for me."

Mary shot back with an icy tone and a dark stare before she slammed the door. Edith lent against the wall feeling everything spinning. She knew now Mary would never accept her apology but suddenly she didn't care. The anger, the fear had blinded everything and she knew she had to find Anthony before the thoughts had a chance to become more than that, before they became doubts.

* * *

"I'm going to pick them up from the menders for you today sir."

Anthony's valet said not meaning anything in particular as he watched his master nod thoughtfully as he looked in the mirror. Anthony turned to him for a moment trying to remember what he really called him for. The tiredness seemed to cloud everything but not only that but Edith. _God he was so foolish, the look in her eyes_. He was sure he had ruined it all but he just had to get away. Poor Edith how she had ever managed Mary he wasn't sure and how he stopped himself from saying something terribly rude he wasn't sure either. Suddenly remembering what it was he wanted to talk to his valet about he went to speak but was unable to when the bedroom door flew open his wife marching in hands on her hips. He pondered it for a moment hearing her speak, there was something strangely attractive about it.

"Brown will you leave us for a moment please."

Doing what he was told not wanting to be told off he quickly left the room shutting the door on his way out. Edith suddenly lost all the confidence she had earlier and was feeling tired from running up the stairs. She couldn't let him think all the terrible things he was thinking. Anthony watched her carefully she didn't seem her self and she seemed awfully nervous. Why he wasn't sure. He felt so bad, of course he knew she hadn't done anything but something had happened that had shook her so badly. _Was it the thought of losing him_? Surely not. He looked down at the carpet hearing her talk but it almost didn't sound like her. She was rushed and nervous, unable to get her words out.

"I don't know what she told you...well I do but you can't believe her. You have to trust me I would never do anything like that to you and I..."

She trailed off fearing her point was not getting across. What she would give to take it back. She would give anything to have him believe her. Meeting his eyes she saw the way he was looking at her and she wasn't sure what the look meant. Anthony, fed up of all the expectations and built tension, crossed the room closing the space between them quickly until he was just mere feet away from her. She looked up confused. _What would he say now_? _Would he be ever so angry_?

"Anthony I really..."

"You mustn't say another word."

She looked up at him feeling like her heart was beating out of her chest realising how very close her was to her now. He lent froward and kissed her his hands at her waist. She had at first thought after a few seconds he would pull away like he normally did but he didn't. She pulled away leaving them both shocked at how much they had missed being together. The feeling of his hands ever so foreign. Hearing her say his name he spoke quickly his head feeling funny._ Why couldn't she see that they were all sorry and they mustn't dwell on it_? They must move forward or in some other direction, it didn't matter as long as it wasn't backwards.

"Anthony?"

"Edith please let me try to be your husband."

_Is that what he thought_? _That she didn't see him like that_? She stared at him wondering if he had always wanted to kiss her like that, hold her like that. She of course had always wanted him to but could never say so, could never tell him for fear he would feel inadequate or not right in some way. She wrapped her arms round him pulling him closer not really sure what she should do. She wasn't overly experienced even after a year of marriage. The only person that had ever kissed her like that was John and the memory still burned her, what she would give to erase and it and replace with the person that was supposed to be there, _her husband_. He brushed a stray piece of hair away from her face feeling nervous, his mouth dry. They had been together so very close before but it had never felt like it was truly wanted and he wanted that more than anything. He wanted her to feel wanted, he wanted to be wanted. He watched her hearing her talk.

"Then let me be your wife. We have to stop being so afraid of each other."

The honesty of it all made him feel strange like a whole year of unspoken words and misinterpreted conversation had finally lifted and he was so very glad but surprised that this was all it had taken. Even if they were alone in her bedroom in the middle of the morning he decided that he should stop worrying so much, _isn't that what being ill had taught him_? Edith knew the old Edith would never let her husband kiss her, not alone in her room when anyone could walk in but she had started not to care, he was so very close to her now and that was an improvement on the miles that had seemed to be between them lately. It was so very quiet and all she could hear was their breathing. He closed his eyes hoping that it would not feel too forced that she would enjoy his kisses more than she had ever enjoyed anyone elses kisses. He opened his eyes again finally meeting hers, only centimeters away.

Edith wondered if his heart was beating as fast as her she felt his shaking hand on hers first before he grazed her cheek with his fingers. She looked up at him feeling his warm breath on her cheek. _Why had it always felt so unnatural before now_? _Is is what it felt like to have someone love you completely_? She had seen him a thousand times before now but she felt she was seeing him in a completely different way and for the first time, she saw him as her husband and she felt she might go mad if he did not kiss her soon. Anthony finally pulled Edith to him and covered her mouth with his in a passionate kiss. It was soft at first but Edith kissed him back letting every bit of her doubt slip away. They were husband and wife and if they couldn't even kiss each other than what did that say? Anthony let his hands slip into her hair pulling her ever closer. He felt like he couldn't breath and truly hoped she felt the same for in that moment he was not a sick man and she had not kissed someone else. They were just husband and wife and it had never felt so good before in their lives. It took a moment but both grew braver with their hot kisses opening their mouths. Lasting not even a minute they pulled apart, breathless, shocked at the new feelings and sensations they were experiencing. The moment feeling so unfinished as they gazed at each other wondering what it all meant. He lent froward and placed a quick kiss on her lips before he rested his forehead against hers. Noticing how out of breath he was she spoke quietly caressing his face not wanting to go back to where they had been before.

"Are you alright?"

"Edith my dear I didn't think that I would ever enjoy feeling breathless until now."

* * *

Anthony ignored the secret glares from Mary as he smiled happily at his wife sat beside him at dinner. Things were finally falling into place and he had never felt happier, now he just had to concentrate on getting better. He was sure he could do it with his wife by his side with the promise of a better life, the promise of a family. He never knew how much it would mean to him. Cora watched the happy couple from the other end of the table. She didn't mind at all that they were having their own conversation almost whispering. She sighed and wistfully looked at her husband. She hoped people still envied their love, their marriage. Tomorrow would be the Charity event and then soon after Edith would leave and go to Anthony's. _Her home now_. How exciting, she thought, it must be to have your whole marriage ahead of you. She dismissed her thoughts smiling at the couple catching their eye so she could involve the whole table in her conversation.

"I meant to say Anthony there will be a few of your old friends from London coming tomorrow."

"How thrilling."

Mary said rolling her eyes annoyed that no one seemed to be paying her attention anymore. Robert sighed looking at her for a moment wondering if she truly was thrilled or if it was sarcasm. He guessed the latter and looked down at his dinner plate the conversation having stopped everyone unsure how to handle Mary's comment. He spoke looking up at Anthony smiling slightly glad that whatever tension that had been between his daughter and her husband had disappeared almost over night. He did worry about her a lot and he still felt like it was his responsibility to look after her even if she did have a husband now. He guessed many fathers still felt like that and wondered when and if he would ever be ready to let her go and accept she was his wife.

"Yes. Cora said one of your closest friends is coming. It escapes me now, what was his name darling?"

"John Gray dear."

Edith coughed slightly on her water and promptly put her glass back down on the table with a thud. Anthony patted her back slightly wondering if she was alright. Edith gave him a small smile feeling the blush creeping up her neck watching as her parents looked a little bemused. Edith realised Anthony still didn't know who had kissed her, who had said that he was too old. _His closest friend_. She felt a sense of dread she didn't know they were_ that_ close. As Anthony removed his hand from her back she could still feel the heat through her dress making her feel uncomfortable, she had never wanted him to touch her like that before. _Why was it so different now and why did they have to be at dinner_? She dismissed the thoughts feeling hot as Anthony spoke quietly, a little unsure as to what was going on with his wife. _Did she feel it to_? _Did she want him too_? He couldn't think about it now, not when he was looking at her parents.

"Erm...yes. Yes I was good friends with his father for a time but then he had that terrible accident..."

"Thomas Gray? Really, what kind of accident?"

Violet asked as she looked over her wine glass at Anthony sat opposite her. He met her light stare slightly confused as to why she would want to know. He felt far too uncomfortable almost as if everyone in the room knew how he was feeling, how he was feeling about his wife. Clearing his throat he knew Violet knew all the gossip and he really didn't want to be a part of that. Edith and him had enough of it for one day. Robert seeing Anthony struggling exchanged a smile with his wife before talking filling the silence.

"Really mama must you? Anthony do go on."

"There's not much of a story really, I helped him through that, his fathers death, I mean I know what it's like to lose someone. I suppose he looks at me like a father figure."

"Excuse me."

Edith said feeling even more sick then she did earlier. Clearly John did not think him of a father figure and she couldn't sit near him when he talked of him so highly. She quickly left the room feeling the pressure was too much. Anthony looked at her empty seat wondering why she had left so quickly. He hoped it wasn't because he had mentioned Maud or death, she was so sensitive to it now. He guessed maybe it was something to do with the pregnancy and decided he would go check on her if she weren't back soon. Robert stared at the door before turning back to the table mumbling quietly.

"I wonder whats wrong with Edith."

"Maybe she's just excited about tomorrow and Johns visit. I hear they get along ever so well."

Mary said smirking as she raised her wine glass to her lips refusing to look at anyone round the table. Anthony found it strange but thought no more about it. He thought it would be nice to see john again considering they had barely talked last time he saw him. He looked back at the empty chair next to him hoping Edith would be alright and that they could keep the closeness that they had experienced that earlier day. He tried to hide his smile as he thought about it. _Yes it would be lovely to have that all the time._


	9. Chapter 9

_A/N: Hi everyone!_

_Sorry if I haven't replied to your private message yet barely had time to write this but I promise tomorrow I will find time._

_I know, I know a long chapter and not a lot happening but next chapter stuff will really start happening. I just wanted a tiny bit of fluff because there's been hardly any what so ever and I feel bad._

_So here it is! Thank you for reading._

* * *

Edith got into the car with Anthony glad that they were going for a drive. John hadn't arrived and she wanted to talk to him before Anthony. Make an understanding of some sort. If Anthony ever found out it was John that had kissed her she was sure he would be even more heartbroken. The air was distinctively cold and she was glad to get into the car as the first drops of drizzle fell on to the windscreen. Normally it would feel strange sitting in the front of the car but with Anthony it felt perfectly natural. She glanced up at the large house hoping no one would come out and ask her to stay and help set up the saloon. She had forgotten how boring Downton could be sometimes, being married didn't change that. But at least now she felt that it was easier with Anthony, like she had always imagined it, how she had always wanted it to be. She could almost forget sometimes what was so very wrong but still even through those happiest moments with her husband it was lingering in the background. Threatening to jump out of the dark. It wasn't that she didn't trust him to tell her truth it was that he now tried to protect her so much and he would never want to talk about it or what the doctor had said.

Edith sighed and smiled at Anthony as he put the car into gear. She was feeling exhausted and trying hard not to show it. Her mother had of course assumed that she would help her now she was staying at Downton and Cora had been watching her very closely and Edith didn't want to give her a reason to think something was wrong. In truth Edith wasn't really sure what she was meant to be doing. It was in those moments where she was expected to know how to sit people round a table or prepare flowers that she felt so very lost and so very much like the old Edith that couldn't do anything right. She often felt she didn't take after her mother, Cora seemed like a perfectionist. Much like Mary. Edith had manged to not think of Mary all morning and feared what she would do to her sister if they were alone in the same room. Anthony smiled lightly at her as the car pulled forward slowly. With him she felt she could truly be her self, say what she felt without being told off or tutted at. That's what made it so easy. She spoke keeping her eyes on the long driveway.

"If my mother forces me to rearrange the flowers again I swear I will..."

"She's just trying to include you dear. Trying to make an effort."

"I know. It's just so strange."

"Imagine what she'll be like when the baby comes."

Anthony touched her hand lovingly before turning the car down the driveway glad to get away from the house. He liked the Crawley's a lot and was grateful that they had accepted him. Though lately he felt like they were always watching him. Expecting him to do something wrong, like they were waiting for him to mess up. Edith was so distracted she didn't notice Anthony had pulled over until the other car was passing them. Wondering who it was Edith threw a careless glance back over her shoulder feeling someone watching her. Her eyes drifted further back meeting with Johns before the car sped off towards the house. She turned back to the road pondering it slightly. She knew it had meant nothing, _so why did she have to keep telling her self that_? _Was it that he had wanted her and nobody had wanted her in such a long time_? Anthony and her were now stronger than ever and she hoped that he would be able to see past the kiss. _It was just that, a kiss and nothing more but would Anthony really see it like that_? _A two minute love affair_? Edith spoke, thinking aloud.

"I will be glad when we get home."

"I thought you would have missed Downton."

Edith looked down at the floor knowing it was more a question then a statement but she couldn't think clearly. The more she thought of john the harder it was to look at her husband. She felt she should have told him the whole truth and was struggling to find a time to bring it up again. She was sure the guilt would kill her before the day was out. Anthony watched his wife, something was definitely bothering her again but he couldn't tell what it was as his eyes flicked back to the road. _Was she really missing home_? He was glad he let her help him, glad she was there. He knew he would never be able to do it on his own. He was so very fearful of losing her and it played on his mind a lot. Edith was not the kind of woman to have an affair but he knew how lonely it could be to care for someone so very sick. The baby provided some reassurance that someone would always connect them forever, that someone could somehow keep them together. Edith smiled at her husband trying to offer some sort of sign that she was okay as he spoke trying to find the right words.

"Maybe we should tell them about the baby tonight."

"Oh Anthony I don't know. It's just so soon."

"But they can support you if anything were to happen and..."

"I wish you would stop talking like that."

"Like what?"

"Like your going to die."

The words hung in the air lingering longer then what Edith intended. She knew he was scared but she was too and he couldn't see it. He was just worried about what people would think and it annoyed her more than anything. She shifted in the seat away from him insulted that he couldn't trust her enough to believe everything would be okay. Anthony felt guilty refusing to look at her as he slowed down slightly turning out of Downton's gates. He had tried his very best to be positive but there was something still so very wrong between them. The little steps they had taken together almost felt like they had been leading up to something bigger but he didn't know what. Hearing Edith sigh he pulled the car to the side of the country lane turning to her wondering if she would ever understand why he was so scared. She took his hand and looked him the eyes speaking firmly. Although he liked it when Edith became confident and took control it made him so very aware that he was failing in strength.

"I will have no more talk of this. You have me and the baby and you don't need to worry about anything else."

She placed his hand on her stomach and looked at him hoping he would see what she did. A strong man who had somehow lost his place, his way and had gotten so very caught up. What she would do to break him free from that. He nodded letting his shoulders relax like the whole weight of the world had been lifted. _How many times_, he wondered, _did he have to listen to her say everything would be alright before he believed it_? They were having a child together and it was so very wonderful, _why couldn't he see that for what it was_? Hearing her speak again he met her eyes but they weren't so worried anymore.

"You must tell me if your scared, you mustn't be afraid to talk to me."

"Edith. I..."

"Yes?"

"I'm scared. I'm so very scared."

She pulled him into a tight embrace well aware her mother would get annoyed if they weren't back at Downton soon but she didn't care and closed her eyes letting go of every ones thoughts and expectations. Her and Anthony that was all that mattered. He had seemed to be getting better but there were moments when he seemed to struggle. He hated relying on her so much. _He_ was the husband, _he_ was supposed to be strong,_ he_ was supposed to be capable. Not the one that was too scared to even talk about how he was feeling or what the doctor had said. He heard Edith talk again but in a whisper. It was in that moment he felt such debt towards her as he pulled away.

"I'm scared too but we are going to get through this. I promise you."

He placed a loving hand on her cheek before leaning forward and giving her a soft kiss on her lips. She just watched him carefully wondering what he was thinking. _Was he thinking of the baby_? _The family they were going to try so very hard to keep together_? That's all she had been thinking of lately and it worried her so much. It wasn't so much about losing the baby anymore it was about losing Anthony and the thoughts of doing it alone scared her. Anthony spoke again wanting something else to think about.

"Do you want to go to Ripon?"

"Ripon?"

"Like we always used to before we were married."

"That would be nice."

He put the car back in gear and pulled away slowly. They would not talk about his illness anymore he was tired of it all. It was almost as if what was wrong with him was killing their marriage too and it was so painful to watch. She shuffled closer to him across the seat glad of the distraction, glad that they could go back to being Anthony and Edith just for a while. Even if it was just a little while it was enough for now, enough for them to believe things were getting better.

* * *

"Where is Edith? She's meant to be helping me today."

"I think she went out."

Mary said jealously as she rolled her eyes sitting down in a row of chairs set up in the saloon. Cora sighed angrily placing her hands on her hips. She was about to speak again wanting to question her daughter further when Robert stepped into the room smiling at them slightly unsure if he should stay seeing the look on his wife's face. Cora wanted Edith to help her so they would have a chance to talk. She had been acting out of sorts and if she was going to get a grandchild she would want to be the first to know. She wasn't insulted that Edith didn't want to help her. She knew she had a lot of things going on. She realised rather quickly that Edith found it unnatural to help with running a house. _Why didn't she teach her more when she had the chance_? _Why didn't she believe in her more_? Sighing slightly she sat down next to Mary in defeat as her husband joined them.

"You'd think Anthony and Edith are just married the way they are sometimes."

"I think it's nice that she finally has someone who shares her interests. Honestly dear anyone would think you don't want them to be happy."

"Don't be so ridiculous of course I want them to be happy it's just she was meant to be helping me today. In replace of Edith would one of you please help me with these chairs and the flowers. If Violet sees them she'll start interfering all over again."

"Speaking of Violet, where is my mother? I thought she would be here by now."

Robert said looking round the saloon only seeing the staff and some guests milling around. He was sure she would be come uninvited before the event like she always did. In a way it reminded him that Edith wasn't there. Every time his mother had visited in the past Edith had taken it upon herself to entertain her and take tea with her. Mary was either off in a sulk or Sybil was off on an adventure but Edith was always there. Just as Cora was about to speak again they heard the front door open and then the shrill tone of Violet's voice carrying through. She was mumbling something about not being informed when Cora spotted Mrs Hughes and quickly joined her at the servants door hoping to find an excuse to get away while her husband watched bemused. Mrs Hughes was slightly surprised at Cora's willingness to talk to her. They had seemed to be having problems planning the event and both decided to leave each other alone and give it a rest. In a way Mrs Hughes was glad that she was finally spending time with Lady Edith, not that she would tell her.

"Sorry to disturb you milady but Mrs Patmore has had a few problems with the menu would it be possible to talk to her now?"

"We're not getting anywhere here. I'll come down now. Mary wait for me to come back."

Cora said as she walked through the servants door almost sensing her daughters eagerness to get away. Mary sighed miserably deciding she had nothing better to do. She watched as her father spoke to her grandmother trying to steer her away from the flowers. Mary turned to face the stage wondering what Edith and Anthony were up to. She didn't see why everyone had to make a big deal of her sister coming home, it's not like they didn't see her enough as it was. _Always going on about Anthony_. She sighed again but more out of annoyance as she saw an attractive young man approach her from the drawing room smiling slightly. She knew this was just a terrible excuse, an idea her mother had come up with, for her to find a husband. Of course she knew if Edith had found a husband then she would have no problem but she just couldn't be bothered. Now her days weren't taken up with playing with Edith's life she had started to think about her own life. She hadn't seen the man before and was confused who he was as he lent on the stage in front of her throwing her a wide grin.

"You must be Mary."

"Lady Mary."

"I'm John. John Gray. You might know Anthony he's a friend of mine."

"Is he now? It's a pleasure to meet you."

Mary looked up at him closer now as she unfolded her arms returning his smile. Extending her cold hand out for him to shake she smirked. _Maybe the morning wouldn't be so boring after all_, she thought as he took her hand, shaking it before he sat beside her.

* * *

Edith looked up blinking in the harsh sunlight. She didn't think that she would miss the countryside so much, the home her and Anthony had made. Their arms were linked together as they strolled through the market place in Ripon neither one saying a word, nor did they feel they had to. Occasionally stopping at a random stall but taking no interest in it, both feeling that they would prefer to be the only ones there. A little while later Anthony had disappeared into a shop while she had taken a seat on a bench feeling light headed. It was a really nice day and she was glad that it was theirs to have. She only hoped they would have more days like these.

Anthony had been watching a young family with a pram strolling through the square when he felt Edith watching him. It all felt very normal and just like it used to and he didn't want to let that feeling go. Edith would often watch him lovingly as she did in that moment but she never revealed what she was really thinking. He finally turned his head to her smiling as he patted her hand that was resting on his arm. In that moment he knew exactly what she was thinking about, _their secret_. The little family they would soon be raising. He led her into a tea shop settling on table near the back of the shop neither one feeling in the mood to entertain company. They sat in silence until the tea arrived in front of them. Anthony speaking first keeping his voice low aware that there was only a few people in the tea shop.

"Do you think you would prefer a boy or a girl?"

"I don't think I'd mind much to be honest. I think though I would like a boy."

"You mustn't feel you have to say that because of me."

"It's not that."

She said as her eyes darted up to his revealing the pain in them. It was unintentional and she quickly looked back at her tea stirring it so she wouldn't have to look at him. He covered her hand that laid on the table with his. He wanted her so badly to look at him. He found it difficult to start these conversations sometimes and he wondered if she thought he didn't ask or talk about it because he didn't want to. He spoke willing her to look up at him. She had been so emotional lately and it almost felt like that it was the only sign they had that she was pregnant.

"Is it because of Downton?"

"I wasn't expecting a family at all, let alone a big one. One child would be wonderful and if it was a boy then well...I don't know. I can't explain it."

"Edith I want you talk about it. I want you to tell me everything you want because I am hopeless on my own. I would have no idea without you."

She finally looked up at him his face pleading to let him in, let him understand. _Would it be so bad_? She thought taking a sip of her tea feeling slightly unwell wondering if it was because of the baby. He squeezed her hand affectionately before drawing his hand away and drinking his tea. They sat in silence for a long time, not sure how to continue the conversation, not sure if they should. Anthony was just deciding to leave it not wanting to push her when she spoke again putting her tea cup down on the saucer with a clatter.

"I want to tell you everything Anthony and I will. I just don't feel ready right now."

"Then that's perfectly alright dear. As long as you know you can tell me."

Anthony added watching his wife carefully as she nodded meeting his eye. She looked out of the window noticing that the family they had seen earlier were now sat by the fountain in the square playing and laughing. _Would her and Anthony ever have that_? _Would she ever feel ready_? _Would she ever feel that it was the right time_? A thought suddenly occurred to her as she turned back to him. He was watching something behind her and she wasn't sure what and thought it might be rude to ask or turn round. When he finally met her eye again she spoke softly.

"I forgot to ask what did you go in that shop for?"

"I know it's too soon I do but I just thought..."

Anthony sighed trailing off. He really wasn't any good at any of it. It was all so new and he didn't know anything. One thing he did know was that this time it felt ever so different. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of white knitted baby booties placing them on the table feeling rather silly about it all now. He wasn't sure if Edith would be upset or not but meeting her face she smiled at him. Carefully picking them up in her hands it all suddenly seemed real and it was all she needed to tell her he was finally thinking of the future. He was finally accepting that she was there for him. She lovingly reached across the table and touched his face, wanting to feel a connection.

"I know they wont fit right now and it's silly but I don't know. I just have a feeling this time."

"I know I have it to."

She said taking her hand away from his face and leaning across the table and kissing him. She sat back down blushing, feeling embarrassed. She would not normally be so open in public but she felt she ought to thank him. Thank him for being so wonderful. He sipped some more tea as she turned the booties over in her hands wondering why this time felt so different considering everything that had happened. She decided not to ruin the moment by over thinking it and took her tea a small smile creeping onto her face. _She was going to be a mother, they were going to be parents_.

* * *

_A/N: You read it all yay! Urmm yes, what I really wanted to say was in the next chapter Anthony and John will have a confrontation and there will be a major story twist so do read on. Thanks for reading!_


	10. Chapter 10

_A/N: Hi! Thank you all for the reviews they do mean a lot. :)_

_This isn't the chapter I was planning to post but I'm going to be busy over the next few days so I thought I would post this before the planned chapter I talked about in chapter 9. I wanted a chapter where they just talked and maybe shared some more feelings so hope you will like it before the drama in the chapter 11._

_Thanks for reading!_

* * *

"Do you think we'll be back in time?"

"Yes but I think we can let them miss us for a bit longer anyway."

Anthony said as he drove along the hilly country lane, glancing his mirror he saw the cobbled streets of Ripon slowly disappearing. The setting sun framing the houses, bathing them in orange light as they slowly disappeared. It was then that he realised the worry in her voice and glanced at her. She didn't look concerned but feeling something was wrong he spoke again. Edith looked at him wrapping her coat round her glad she had brought it as it was getting colder as the day started to draw to a close.

"You worry about them a lot don't you?"

"I wouldn't say worry."

"Then what would you say?"

"Must we talk about Downton now? It is such a beautiful evening."

She stopped her self wrapping her arms further round herself biting her tongue slightly worried that he would get annoyed she wouldn't talk about it. He glanced at her again just watching her for a moment before turning back to the empty road, the country side flying past the window as the hill dipped slightly. He nodded remembering she said she would tell him when she was ready. He knew he should not rush her and he loved her enough to wait. It was just that he felt they almost didn't have time to take things slowly. It was a curse and a blessing. The countryside was quiet and he was quite enjoying just being alone with her. The acts of love and affection that they now carried out were no longer forced nor hurried, they were longed for and appreciated and he felt so grateful to have that. He spoke again breathing in the clear evening air, something he had missed since being in London.

"Is tonight when all the guests are at Downton?"

"Yes. I think mama said there was going to be a flower show in the village tomorrow. Why?"

"I suppose if we miss it there's always tomorrow to be there."

"I suppose your right. I would rather be here with you."

She said quietly not looking at him. She really did want to be with him but something was still pulling her towards her family. She hoped when the baby came she wouldn't feel such a need for them anymore. She tried to reason with her self on many occasions that they never _needed_ her, never _wanted_ her. _Why should she do what they wanted_? Her family could wait, her new family needed her now, her new family wanted her. Anthony sensing his wife's eagerness to get home decided not to talk about it anymore and put his foot on the accelerator. He was after all feeling tired but with a smile he noticed that he was not as tired as he normally was at the end of the day. _Did that mean he was getting better_? Edith opened the window slightly feeling the car getting stuffy and hot. She was feeling unwell but didn't want to worry Anthony so said nothing. The light was quickly being drained away beneath the hills and she looked at Anthony watching him change gears. Not taking her eyes off him she spoke again.

"We should go to Ripon more often."

"Yes dear. It was nice wasn't it?"

Seeing the sky darken Edith glanced upwards out of the window aware that soon there would be a down pour. Anthony smiled at his wife even though she wasn't looking at him anymore. He had always been taught affection should not be shown in public but with Edith he didn't care what other people thought, it felt right to be with her. The rain started to spit before turning into steady drizzle. Reluctantly Edith closed her window sighing slightly as she rested back on the seat. She would be glad to go back to Anthony's estate, Downton seemed to have such a draining effect. She looked at him but properly this time as he turned on the windscreen wipers. She had never thought about how blessed she was, how lucky she had been and she wasn't sure that she could keep lying to him. She spoke her voice shaking slightly as she did so.

"Anthony I think I should tell you something."

"What is it dear?"

"Well it's not easy to say."

The rain was now pouring, running down the street into an over flowing drain. Anthony noticing Edith was shivering offered out his scarf which she took turning it over in her hands before placing it round her neck taking comfort from the fact it smelt like him. It was then that he realised what she had said and he spoke again raising his voice trying to be heard over the rain. The loud drumming of the rain against the roof and swish of the wipers.

"You can tell me anything Edith."

He thought at first she hadn't said anything in reply, it was a long pause but she did talk again.

"I'm so sorry Anthony I really am. It was John that kissed me."

"I know. Well I didn't know for sure but I had a feeling."

Anthony was struggling to make out the road in the ever fading light. Although it was now getting considerably dark in the car too, just the soft glow of the sun, he could still tell how close he was next to her. The warmth of his body next to hers. It gave him something else to focus on then the possible argument that was threatening to ruin the peace. He felt in that moment he needed her so much, not just to tell him the truth but to tell him how she had truly felt. She sighed unsure what to say. This is what she had longed for, not necessarily the act of being loved but the feeling of it. The feeling Anthony and her had developed recently. Feeling that it didn't matter about anyone else in the whole world. He wanted to know everything and she wasn't sure if she could give it to him. The sound of the thunder could be heard before lighting spilt the sky, almost tearing them away from their thoughts and expectations as if it had been a day dream that they could carry on as normal without even discussing it. Anthony glanced at Edith unsure what she was feeling, what he was feeling.

"He didn't just kiss you did he? I can't help but feel something else happened."

"For a moment I forgot everything but it was kiss. Just that nothing more nothing less. It was such a silly mistake."

"Please just tell me what happened. I'm not the old fool you think I am."

He let the silence settle, the water smudging on the glass as he drove past a sign for Downton. Soon they would be in the presence of other people and they would have to act like everything was fine. Edith spoke louder the anger flooding her thoughts, clouding her words.

"He said some things. Some terrible things I cant even remember now. What does it even matter? It's done."

"You felt the need to tell me so please don't insult me by telling me it does not matter. It matters a great deal and I'm hurt that you don't feel the same."

He almost spat out the words not really sure how to handle it all. The hurt all pouring out. He realised he was not ready to let it lie, not ready for her to take her time. If they were to raise a child together then he had to know her. Not just how she liked her tea or what side of the bed she slept on. They were important, yes but so very small in comparison to the big things. He had no idea what her childhood had been like nor how she would want to raise children, what she wanted in her future. It was not all clear cut and he was so very angry he had let him self fall so deeply in love with a woman he didn't really know. Turning the car round a corner he switched on the headlights speaking again his hands tightly gripping the steering wheel.

"Would it kill you for once in your life to just let me in?"

"This is about more than John isn't it?"

"I just want to love you, all of you no matter how bad or scary you might think it to be. Your are not only my wife but you are my best friend, my lover and soon to be the mother of my child..."

"Would you stop being so proper for just once in your life and just talk to me. Not what I want to hear but what you want to tell me. Please."

He pulled the car to a stop at the edge of a field the headlights the only thing lighting the road, the darkness had crept in and neither one had noticed. He turned to her, her worried eyes watching him pleading to remove everything between them. He turned the engine off waiting until there was just silence. Feeling her hand on his he sighed finally ready to admit his feelings. He had never wanted to say them out loud in case he would no longer be there. He wouldn't want her to feel a bigger loss in any way, longing for those feelings that he would no longer be there to reciprocate.

"I promised to try to be understanding and that we would face everything together. To be your companion, to share everything together. When we were wed maybe I didn't fully know if I loved you but now...god now I want nothing more than to share everything with you, to be understanding. Every time you refuse to tell me how you feel it's almost as if your refusing my love. My love that is now so unfailing and I don't want you to feel so alone. I am here and I'm going to do everything I can to stay here."

She moved closer to him feeling words wouldn't do the situation justice. He placed his hands on her soft cheeks wondering if she did truly want to kiss him, in the same way he so badly wanted to kiss her. He closed his eyes moving closer to her not feeling the need to communicate or even guide the situation in any way. Edith closed her eyes slowly before feeling his lips on hers. She started to wrap her arms round his waist as he kissed her more intently not feeling content with just one kiss. She met his passionate kisses as best she could feeling her self go considerably weak. Edith's head was swimming as he broke his kiss, his forehead still rested on hers struggling for breath. He lent forward and kissed her again his hot kisses meeting with hers. It was a strange and new experience for both of them being free from past memories or unknown territory. She felt he was kissing her, all of her and it felt so wonderful. His warm hands holding her close to him, wanting every bit of her. She felt she might fall apart in that moment and come so undone. Anthony finally broke the close contact refusing every thought in his head, it had been so intense and so carefree he felt it was a good thing that he pulled away. Afraid what he would want to do if he didn't. Edith sighed but placed her arms round his shoulders smiling at him shyly slightly unsure if she had ever felt like that before. Like her and Anthony were one complete person. As he brushed the hair out of her eyes she gazed at him hoping he had kissed her because he wanted to because he desired her, not in some stupid attempt to prove something. He smiled at her looking down for a moment trying to collect his thoughts before he looked up at her wondering what she thought of him now. If he was being honest he couldn't think of much apart the kiss they had just shared. He decided not to think for now and lent forward to kiss Edith again glad that she would finally let him love her, love her _completely_.


	11. Chapter 11

_A/N: If you are author following me I'm so sorry for all the new story alerts you've been getting recently! Fic Ideas always come to me when I don't sleep very well and I haven't just recently. Got up in the night scrawled out a load of one shots then managed to go off to sleep. I'm sorry that you had to read all the products of my insomnia!_

_Here is the next chapter. I'm sorry if it doesn't feel like it's lived up to the build up. I didn't want to write too much and bore you all to death so I thought I would keep it on the short side. Let me Know what you think._

_Thanks for reading!_

* * *

"Why did Isobel have to have another flower show? In October of all months honestly...Edith are you quite well dear?"

"Yes thank you granny. I just feel...I'm sorry I need to sit down."

Edith feeling ever so sick sat down on the nearest bench she could her worried grandmother watching over her. The large display of Colchicums next to Edith made her feel even worse, the smell of the plant was so strong she was sure it was going to knock her out. She was feeling so unwell she didn't notice that her husband had crossed the room and had started talking to John. Kneeling on her cane Violet cast her eye over the plotted pant on the table next to where Edith was sitting. She limply lifted a purple flower before putting it back down a disgusted look on her face. Making sure to keep her voice low she spoke glancing over he shoulder.

"Honestly her plants are awful. If they were pretty you would think she would have good reason to enter them."

Cora sensing something wasn't right joined them and stood next to her mother in law frowning slightly seeing that she was already trying to find an excuse to fight with Isobel. She was feeling worried about Edith, she had seemed very down about something and she hoped she hadn't argued with Anthony. Edith glanced over at John and Anthony nervously, they were standing not far from where she was sitting but she couldn't hear them. It looked like they were having words. She was wondering whether to tell them she was pregnant so she could go home. _Why was she struggling to find the words_? The first time she was pregnant she had wanted nothing more to tell them but now the future was unsure. The now was important and it didn't matter so much what people thought anymore. She didn't want to tell everyone in a big announcement, she just wanted them to know that was all. Edith removed her hat not really caring who was watching her now. Cora was about to speak when Edith turned to Isobel's large pot of Colchicums and was sick. Edith blushed slightly she knew it wasn't very ladylike but she didn't care and instantly felt a bit better until she turned back to her grandmother and mother. They stood slightly unsure what to say. Cora spoke a little concern in her voice all thoughts of grandchildren reappearing.

"Should I fetch the doctor dear?"

"No thank you. I..."

"Yes Cora I think you should. Poor dear has gone as pale as a sheet."

"No honestly I'm..."

Edith said again more weakly this time as she saw the two women talking intently before her mother started to look round the room. She rolled her eyes wondering if she would be like that when she was older. She was feeling more angry that it wasn't her and Anthony's news to have for a bit longer. _Would Anthony be mad if she said something_? Feeling rather faint she decided she'd be better off going home and spoke loudly cutting both of the women off. They looked at her shocked at first.

"I'm just a little sick because I'm pregnant. Okay?"

"Thank goodness for that. I thought I was going to be dead by the time you two ever had children."

Violet said rather stoically, an almost relieved look on her face. _So this is what they all wanted_. Edith thought drawing out an unsteady breath. _If Mary and Sybil were married and had children would they have been as pleased at her engagement and now children as they had been_? _Were they just happy because they had no one else to experience this with_? Edith was surprised when her mother threw her arms round her and pulled her into a hug. She had to try hard not to laugh as she saw her grandmother roll her eyes and mutter something about Americans before glancing at cousin Isobel who had come over seeing the fuss going on around her plants.

"When did you find out? Oh we must tell your sisters. Sybil darling..."

Cora disappeared through the crowd pulling an unwilling Edith along with her. Edith rolled her eyes again before disappearing across the other side of the room. She had longed for this attention, now it wasnt wanted. All she could think about was her husband. _What was Anthony talking about with John_? Their talk was seeming to get louder, more angry and she pulled away from her mother as she wondered over to them. Violet stifled a laugh as she smirked looking at Isobel.

"Dear me what a shame, isn't that your plant cousin Isobel? Do you ever feel somebody is trying to tell you something?"

"Yes I think we should have a flower show for Christmas."

"For heavens sake."

Anthony had tried to pull John into a quiet part of the village hall but there was lots of people milling around. John had at first denied doing anything but Anthony could tell he was starting to crack. He was almost unnerved when John made no attempt to even look at him. He had felt that John resented him and for a long time, he refused to let him go because he was the closest thing to a child that had. Now he had Edith and the promise of a family it was enough for him to feel that he could let him go. They could both move on.

"Why? Why would you try to get Edith to leave me?"

Anthony glanced over at his wife slightly worried but turned back to John determined to know why someone would do what he had. It was then that his face crumpled into confusion seeing the young man smirk. He had only just recovered the feeling of being a good husband, a deserving man and it had all come undone in that moment. This man had kissed his wife and he felt he could do nothing to set it right or at least put the man back in his place. _No he couldn't do that_. He was always the gentleman, _why couldn't he just protect his wife_? John finally looked him in the eye. He had thought of the conversation so many times but now they were here he wasn't sure what to say first. He spoke slowly trying to put the words together.

"I wanted you to feel the same hurt that I did. You deserve every bit of it."

"I don't understand. I've only ever been good to you and nothing less."

"If it wasn't for you my father would still be alive. I know it was no accident. You were always just there. You needed to know what it felt like to lose something so precious."

John laughed slightly shaking his head as he took a breath and Anthony folded his arms feeling a little bit more than confused. None of it making sense. _Did he know how mad he sounded_? _Did he even think for one moment Edith would want him_? He couldn't help but wonder what John had said to Edith. _Was it true that it was his fault_? He had never thought about it. Maybe that was the problem. He had never tried to understand it. Anthony spoke again the bitterness clear in his voice.

"I'm all aware about losing something so very precious."

"If anything I think she was actually grateful to have a decent man make her feel like a woman again."

John said not even listening to what Anthony had said. Anthony looked back at him the anger burning bright almost making him blind to reason. Not that he thought there was any. He was certain he was insane and was concerned if he would try to talk to Edith again. He now had no reason to doubt his love to Edith but this moment only made him aware how much he would give up for her, how much he wanted to give up for her. Anthony finally having enough moved froward swinging a punch at John not really caring as the young man fell back on to the floor clutching his facing unsure what had just happened. He looked up as Anthony stood over him and spoke ever so quietly but firm enough for him to know it was over and he should go home.

"If you ever come near me and my wife again I swear I will hit you a lot more accurately and a lot harder."

Anthony turned to see the whole of the room had fallen silent and were watching him. At the front of the crowd was his horrified wife. _What had he done_? He didn't know who he was anymore and turned away from them.

* * *

"Anthony! Will you please slow down and talk to me."

He had been walking so fast and he wasn't really sure where he was going. He didn't even notice that Edith was following him. He turned to her now in the middle of the village green glad that all the villagers were in the village hall. Edith rubbed her arms slightly watching him she was feeling very cold having not taken her coat with her. _What was he thinking_? She was glad that he had finally told John to leave but in someway she was sad that he felt he needed to protect her so badly. _Did he not know how strong her love was for him_? Hearing him finally speak, answering her she felt her stomach drop as he removed his hat toying with it in his hands so he wouldn't have to look at her.

"I...I'm so sorry Edith. I cant do this."

"What do you mean?"

"I...I just can't."

He had to leave her now before it got any further. He felt ever so guilty and he wanted that child more than anything but the time wasn't right. _Yes_, they had been blessed but in such a terrible way, such a heart wrenching way. He took a moment sure that even the guilt wasn't going to change his mind. He was doing what was best. He didn't want to hut her but she needed to see he couldn't look after her. _How would he bare to see her every day in the village or at church_?_ Would she tell him about the baby at all, would he want to hear it knowing he would never be a part of it_? Selfish he knew he was being but he had to do right by her. What was worse of all was that he had lied to her. He said they would face it together but it was all too much and even if he changed his mind the fact he had left would tear them apart for ever. He looked up at the sky seeing it darken before he met the look in her eyes and realised that he had destroyed everything he had ever loved in a matter of minutes. _What had he done_? _What was he doing_? Before he had a chance to speak she spoke. Her voice shaky and her eyes filled with tears.

"Ever since you've been unwell you've been your own worst enemy. You've tried your hardest to destroy everything you have and for what? So you have nothing left to lose? It's breaking my heart watching you do it."

"I need to go away Edith. To London or somewhere. I need to get well. I need the surgery."

"We can do it together. We..."

"No."

She faulted slightly seeing that he held his hand out to stop her coming any further. It pained him but he had to do it. _Who was going to be there to go to Ripon with her, to sit in the library and read with her_? _Who was going to raise their child_? _Who could save her from the pain she was going to experience_? He didn't care for the answers in that moment for all the things he had wanted to say, had planned to say if this moment ever came were wrong and didn't fit. _No_, she was worth so much more than last words. She was worth so much more than him, worth more than anything he had ever deserved. He had realised that in the months that had gone by. The way she was so careful to say things, they way she held him just so and now...even now she was unchanging. Her eyes just focused on his with such determination and hope. It was then that he realised she would never understand, would never come to terms what was happening. She didn't deserve to know how lonely it would be, how unfair it would all be.

"I have to go and you have to stay. I will be on the first train to London tomorrow."

Seeing him struggle so very much was not nice to watch, her mind too tired and rushed to consider what was happening. All he could do was smile at her and nod. He could only manage it for a moment but it was enough to break her heart. He was accepting what was happening to him. She let the silent tears fall. It almost seemed as if fate had waited until they were so very happy until it took him away. She didn't understand. _Was it to give her better memories to hang on to_? _Something to tell their child_? _No_. He wasn't dying he was getting treatment. Still surgery. That was serious. She slowly met his eyes scared to look at him in case it confirmed everything she was thinking. She spoke.

"If you get on that train without me Anthony I swear..."

"If I get well then I will come home but you can't see me like this. You must let me go. It is for the best."

He moved towards her resting his cold hand on her cheek for a moment catching a few tears that had fallen placing a kiss on her forehead blinking away the tears in his eyes. _Was this really it_? He no longer cared where anybody was or why they were still alone, he was glad they would at least have this moment. All the pieces had twisted and turned and now they were finally falling. She swore in that moment she stopped breathing as she looked up at him,_ this would not be the end_. _This would not be the end of their story_. It was a hope, not one spoken out loud but one she hoped someone, somewhere had heard. She was so very angry at him as he walked away from her placing his hat on his head as his black coat swirling around in the wind.

"If you leave...Anthony!"

But he did not turn back he just kept walking. _The first step is always the hardest_, he told himself refusing to turn back. She stood unsure what to do. The person she had never wanted to leave her, the person she never thought would never leave her was. He was disappearing in the distance and there was not a thing she could do about it.

* * *

Mary had not intended to go looking for her sister but something told her to go outside and find her. Edith's coat in hand she looked over the green. She had no idea where to look first. She had thought she had gone back to Downton to pack but something was drawing her towards the church. Glad to escape the cold she closed the door turning into the small room she was surprised to find Edith. Sitting on a pew in the middle of the church she had her head slightly bent over almost as if she was praying. She shifted on her feet slightly unsure if she should disturb the moment. Her sister was never that religious she was sure but something seemed wrong. Edith didn't hear the light foot steps nor the shadow that dropped over her. She was too busy praying, hoping that Anthony would get well that he would see sense. She jumped feeling slightly embarrassed at having such a private moment disturbed as Mary rested a hand on her shoulder. She glared at her for a moment sure she was there to gloat but seeing her coat in Marys hands she relaxed her stare. Mary sat beside her never taking her eyes off the large cross at the front of the church.

"We have been so terrible to each other."

"Yes. I meant what I said. I'm still sorry. I wasn't just saying it "

"I'm terribly stubborn. You know that better than anyone so I'm just going to say it."

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry. Kind of."

Edith smiled at her sister feeling something starting to thaw between them for the first time in years. Mary glanced at her placing the long grey coat round her shoulders sure she must be freezing and Edith took it gratefully well aware it was no longer herself she was looking after anymore. Not just Anthony but now a baby. She was so lost in thought she almost didn't notice that Mary had slipped her small hand in to hers. It was such a tiny gesture but it was one that marked the healing of a broken sisterhood and she took it gladly covering her hand with her own. Both sitting in silence for the longest of time, Edith resting her head on Mary's shoulder, knowing that once they stepped out of the church everything would go back to normal and both were not ready for that just yet. Soon the sky outside started to darken, getting ready to welcome the night. Mary was about to suggest they start to make a move to go home when she heard heavy footsteps. Turning to him Mary knew the look on his face well. She didn't know if Edith knew that look too so she said nothing to her and spoke to her father.

"Papa. What is it?"

"It's...It's Anthony."


	12. Chapter 12

_A/N: Thank you for all the lovely reviews it really does mean a lot! __I hope you will like this chapter as I was a little unsure how to write it all out. Thank you again!_

* * *

_Don't do this_. _Not now_. _Things were going so well_. _We had so much to do, do together_. She thought reaching for his hand as he slept peacefully unaware of all the fuss and worry that was going on around him. She would not give up on him so easily as they all had, nobody had said a word to her but she could see it, sense it. The way they looked away so very sad the way they took time to choose their words. They were all thinking she should let him go. Even though he had slept for days now she wouldn't listen to them, she had taken a vow to him and she still very much believed he would be alright. She knew people would call her stupid or just a silly child in time but that was all she could do, that was all she could hope for. He had wanted to leave, he had wanted to get better and he had been ready to fight. _D__id they know that_?

Feeling the burning tears cloud her vision she looked away from the two men at the end of the bed. She did not want them to see her cry, she had to be stronger than that. Her eyes now firmly locked on her husband unable, not wanting to look away. Still he slept and looked ever so peaceful but they all knew the dreadful truth. Doctor Clarkson slowly put down Anthony's wrist after taking his pulse and turned towards Robert. As he wrote something down on the chart at the end of the bed Robert spoke quietly. Almost as if saying the words out loud would make it become true.

"How is he doing?"

His face was difficult to read but it all became clear as he shook his head ever so slightly looking down at the floor. It meant nothing and everything. He slowed motioned his head to the side as he left Anthony's bedside. Clarkson wanted to give them some time together. Even if he didn't know she was there it was important and Robert followed him to the end of the small room until they were out of ear shot of Edith. He was unsure how he should start the conversation. He had done it so many times before but now it seemed different. The love for this man was clear to see.

Robert wasn't sure how to handle it all. Thoughts of their conversation when he had first come to Downton over a week ago burned in his mind. _I just need to know that no matter what happens Edith will be taken care of_._ I need to know she will be alright_. _Good god_. Anthony had known he was unwell, Edith had known and she had said nothing. He cursed him self for letting his daughter slip away from his thoughts like always. Now she needed him most and he couldn't even ask her what he could do. Her needing him didn't feel like he imagined and he felt such worry. The gravity of the situation pulled him down, he was a proud, brave man but in that moment he felt so small and vulnerable. He was so unsure what to say and so he let the silence settle the only sound of the ticking clock and occasional footsteps of a circulating nurse. _What does one say now_? _How does one go about fixing it_? His thoughts spinning and clouding just managing to form a sentence.

"You have to give Edith something to hope for doctor."

"I'm not in the business of lying to people Lord Grantham."

"Is there not anything at all that you can do for him?"

"People do recover from this but I'm afraid it seems he is too far gone for any of our help. It would be too risky to do anything now."

He sighed almost angrily out of desperation. Seeing his daughter fall apart losing everything was so painful to watch. If he could at least try. That's all he needed was someone to try. Anthony meant the world to Edith and Edith meant the world to him. Now Anthony wasn't capable it was his job to take care of her. He wasn't going to let all her happiness slip away. Thoughts of his unborn grandchild stopped him for a moment. He didn't want to think about how Edith became pregnant nor would ever want to have that thought cross his mind again, he could feel him self growing hot and a little uncomfortable. He never had to tell Cora's father she was pregnant as he died long before he had even met Cora and his mother in law had found out in a letter. He had found out through other people that he was to be a grandparent and he had never had the chance to talk to Anthony about it. Warn him, trust him to look after his daughter like he did before her wedding. Thoughts of him collapsed in his library were going to haunt him forever. He spoke rubbing his tired eyes.

"Will you help him? Do anything you can."

"I'm not sure if that's a good idea. There are many risks and..."

"What greater risk is there then what he is facing now? I see none so please I am begging you as a husband, as a...a_ father_, please help him. "

"If and only if he survives the night I'll contact his doctor in London but please do not get up Lady Strallans hopes. I'm afraid that all we can hope for him now is a peaceful death."

He walked away leaving Robert to look back at his daughter. He decided to give her some time alone with Anthony before trying to get her back to the house. _How would he tell her that he might not survive the night_? _How would he tell her that was so little she could do_? He decided very quickly in that moment that he would not leave her alone and he would sit with her as long as she wanted. That's all he could now. He was sure him and Cora would do everything to support Anthony too. He was part of the family and this is what families do, look after each other. Feeling a strong hand on her shoulder she glanced up at her father standing beside her. She just managed to blink away the tears giving him a weak smile before turning back to Anthony. Robert spoke quietly feeling he was almost betraying Anthony for wanting to get Edith away from his beside. It was just upsetting and he was sure it was stressful, she didn't need that, not with the baby on the way.

"Why don't you come home dear? It's going to be a long night."

"I'm not leaving him Papa. I know you don't understand but I can't leave him now."

She said angrily letting her voice waver as she wiped her tears with her free hand, her other caught up in Anthony's. Suddenly she felt like she was a child all over again. Her parents sighing angrily at her or tutting. Talking quietly when they thought she couldn't hear but she had every time. _Edith has no qualities of being a lady_. _Edith speaks terribly out of turn_. _Which one is Edith? I do forget_. Anthony never saw her like that and he only left to protect her. He was the only one out of all them that loved her. They were going to be a family. Edith shrugged off her father's hand and he moved back hurt. A young nurse glanced over from across the room as he spoke a little too loud not thinking.

"Why do you have to be so naïve? Doctor Clarkson said he might not even survive the night. You need to come home and stop holding on to this stupid idea!"

He almost gasped at him self his chest heaving with all the emotion as she span round on the chair. Her eyes a different kind of angry he had never seen before. He just wanted to protect her, ease her into the idea that Anthony wasn't always going to be there. _That went well_, _well done_. He told him self off as he went to speak but she stood up forgetting everything completely as she raised her voice to match his.

"You don't get it, do you?! I love him and it might surprise you but he loves me too! Is that so difficult to understand?!"

"Edith. I'm sorry...I never meant...I didn't think..."

"No you never do!"

She sat back down on the chair facing her husband brushing the hair from his face. Biting her bottom lip she refused to cry again. It was going to be a long night. Feeling his hand on her shoulder again she just shook her head keeping her eyes focused on the wall above the bed. _Don't give in now_. _Stay with him_. Her thoughts were out of focus and scattering everywhere as she spoke quietly the stress racing through her veins. He almost didn't hear her speak. It broke his heart but he knew he must do as she said.

"Just go. I don't want you here and I certainly don't need you here."

* * *

Cora paced the bedroom floor unable to settle. She had tried to go to bed but the sleep she longed for had not come. Happiness at having a grandchildren had disappeared, covered with more important thoughts. _How long had they known he was unwell_? She stopped sighing taking a seat by the fireplace enjoying the warmth it threw out. Glancing up at the clock she noted it was already ten in the evening. The past few days had been a blur and Edith had remained at the hospital and she was very worried about her. She hadn't seen Robert since he had gone to fetch Edith after dinner. She had wanted to go with him but Violet had stated it was important that she remained at home for when Edith returned. Edith hadn't returned. She wondered if something was very wrong and let her thoughts wonder to a darker place.

Robert was still feeling very wound up and upset as he returned home. He had messed everything up and was sure Edith would hate him for his insensitive words. For the past few days he felt Edith had lent on him more, trusted him. That precious feeling had gone and he wasn't sure he would ever get it back. Entering their bedroom he found his wife awake and looking very worried. He knew she wouldn't be sleeping, the whole house hadn't slept in days. He took a seat on the bed letting his shoulders drop as his wife instantly came to his side, when her hand was firmly in hand with her husbands she spoke.

"How is he dear?"

"If he makes it through the night then they can consider surgery."

"That's good though, isn't it? How is Edith?"

"I've messed it all up."

He moaned as he placed his face in his hands, Cora instantly soothing him by rubbing his back. It was a stressful time but he was taking it worse the anybody. She wasn't sure what he meant but stayed in silence until he was ready. He did not like showing his feelings so openly in front of his wife but he felt he had no one else to turn to. He took an unsteady breath finally turning to her. _Why was everything falling apart now_?

"I said some things."

"Edith will be alright. You know what she's like."

"No I don't Cora and neither do you. We don't know her at all."

"Robert I..."

Cora let her words die away as Robert stood and stormed over to the window. Resting on the cold windowsill he looked out at the dark night the anger taking over. He didn't want to shout, he didn't want to be that person but somebody had to. They couldn't walk around and pretend that they had been good to her. They hadn't. Now she needed him, _them_. He had messed it up and Cora hadn't bothered. He ran his hand through his hair refusing to look at her. He heard her stand up but he did not turn as he spoke looking down his voice quieter, more hurt.

"We failed her Cora. She doesn't love us. Why would she?"

"It's not like that at all and you know it."

"Stop lying to your self. You didn't see her today, you didn't see her like I did. Her heart is broken Cora and I think it was broken a long time before she met Anthony."

He almost breathed the words shaking as he turned to her. He felt so ashamed seeing the silent tears glide down her porcelain skin. Her arms now wrapped around her self. The silence grew neither one wanting to admit they were wrong or right. He sighed going into his bedroom slamming the door as he went. He knew he shouldn't have shouted at her but it was just...it was just difficult. They could put on a front for everyone else but here, in their bedroom, he wouldn't lie. That's why he hated going there after a long day. Pausing before he got ready for bed he made a silent prayer in his head. Anthony had to get better. Only now realising that it was going to destroy all of them if he didn't.

* * *

Doctor Clarkson had stayed overnight to keep an eye on Anthony. It was critical to whether he was going to make it through or not. It was more than just a duty to an ill man. He wasn't friends with Anthony and Edith but he had seen Anthony through his heartbreak over Maud's death and he had seen Edith grow up. He sighed sympathetically looking over the bed at Edith who had fallen asleep her head resting on the bed, her hand still in her husbands. She looked exhausted and he felt guilty waking her but he knew she must get proper rest if she was to face this with all she had. He lent over the bed and rested his hand on her shoulder calling her name. She stirred a little before sitting up, panic frozen on her pale face._ Had something happened_? Sleep was still swirling round making everything dim slightly.

"Why don't you go home Lady Edith? You need rest. It's not just you your thinking of now."

She subconsciously placed a hand on her stomach. _Their baby_. She looked down at the floor for a moment feeling stiff and tired. More tired then she had ever been in her life. She shook her head meeting his soft gaze. She went to speak quietly but her voice croaked slightly. She couldn't remember the last time she had eaten something or even had a drink. She couldn't leave him,_ he would never leave her_.

"Milady. You must rest. I will call you in the morning if..."

"He makes it?"

"To let you know how he's doing. We can watch over him and you can visit in the morning. He would want you to rest."

A doctor calling you to let you know your husband had died hardly seemed fit but she guessed he was right. Her head was conflicting with her heart and her heart was conflicting with her body. Too many thoughts and yet not a silent moment to contemplate them. She stood wearily before placing a kiss on Anthony's forehead, taking one longing look at him. _Will I see you_ again? _No don't think like that_. She sighed picking up her heavy coat. _What time was it_? It was still dark outside she noted before turning to the doctor reaching out for his hand, that he took slightly surprised but held her shaking hand steady none the less.

"You will take very good care of him?"

"It's a promise."

"Thank you."

Her heels clicked loudly on the floor as she left. Her head was pounding and her vision blurred slightly as she slowed down in the dark waiting room wondering if it was the right thing to do. Taking moment to catch her breath she sat in the small waiting room wondering how it could be fixed. So lost in thought she didn't notice the door had opened until she saw the two familiar figures step inside. Still in their evening wear she noted as Sybil advanced towards her, Mary stood awkwardly by the door. _Though she never looks awkward_, Edith thought, _she was always prefect, even now_. Wondering whose idea it was to get her she looked at the clock. Almost midnight. _Eight more hours_. _That's all he needed_. Sybil placed a reassuring hand on her arm and she almost broke down in that moment. They were sisters. Well they weren't to her, just a blood connection. That's how it had always been and she had never expected it to change but seeing the worry in their eyes she felt the true meaning of it and let her head drop. A large shift in feelings taking its toll. Sybil spoke softly not sure if she should ask about Anthony.

"We've come to take you home."

"And we're not having any arguments about it."

Mary said loudly making Edith look up at her. She had such unkind look about her but for the first time Edith saw past it and nodded unable to speak. Her legs felt so weak and shaky she was sure she was not able to stand but the girls sensing this took Edith's hands and helped her up. Edith was worried for a moment wondering how they had got there. _In the dark, alone_? It wasn't very safe but she was too tired too argue and slowly walked with them. The feel of winter was in the air, cold and crisp. It pricked her memories. Anthony would always break tradition and walk so close to her, arm wrapped round her waist to keep her warm. She didn't have him now. She had her sisters and they linked arms with her not one saying a word as they walked home. She felt so very loved by her sisters for the first time and was sure she would not make it home but every time tiredness or emotion would take over they would hold her up and offer such kind words. Not once getting annoyed. They didn't have to say anything and she was grateful, knowing a conversation would be the end of her. Reaching home and her old bedroom she found some strange feelings about it. It felt reassuring, it felt like _home_. Hearing a low noise from inside the room she turned to her sisters, Sybil spoke softly. Not wanting to wake anyone.

"We got Anna to run you a bath."

"Thank you. I don't know what I would have done without you. Both of you."

She said turning to Mary placing a soft hand on her arm that still wore its red coat. Mary looked away almost blushing slightly but she patted her hand before Edith gave a warm smile to Sybil, disappearing into her room. Glad to finally be alone, glad to have the chance to wash the day off. She stopped in front of the bed going cold. Anthony always slept on the right side of the bed and she the left. _Tonight, I will sleep on the right side_. She concluded to her self deciding it would make her feel close to him somehow and her side wouldn't feel so alone.

Mary turned back to Sybil hearing her talk. Her young worried eyes watching her in the dark corridor.

"Do you think she will be alright Mary?"

"Of course Sybil. She has us now."

The girls parted and disappeared into their bedrooms either side of Edith's. Hoping the morning would bring hope and relief to all the pain. _All they could do now was wait_.

* * *

_A/N: Sorry I never told you Anthony's fate, didn't want to make it too long. In a few days I will update and you will know then. Thank you._


	13. Chapter 13

_A/N: Thank you all for the reviews and for being so nice considering what I'm doing to this couple!_

_Only a few chapters to go now and they will cover if Anthony will ever recover and the effect on Edith._

_Thanks for reading!_

* * *

_January 1913_

She peered out of drawing room window assessing the weather. It had rained that morning and although it had now stopped it was still cloudy and grey. Christmas had been difficult without him everything reminding her of things they had done together last Christmas. She had insisted that she wanted to stay in London by herself but her mother was seeming increasingly over protective and brought everyone from Downton to spend Christmas to her. These little acts and feeling's of belonging to a family had seemed hard to grasp but they were soon becoming more natural for her. She would have her own child soon and would have to learn. It's not that she didn't appreciate it she was just so very tired and worried all the time._ How could she not think of him_? In a few days the family were due back at Downton, they had wanted her to go with them but she had refused. Hearing her name she turned back to the room smiling at Mary. Mary had never wanted to be friends with Edith because they had nothing in common but she told her self she would put up with her. Just lately she wasn't putting up with her, she was enjoying her company though she would never admit it. Putting the news paper down Mary spoke.

"Your have to think about finding a nurse soon or your be taking care of my niece or nephew all by your self."

"Of course." Edith said rolling her eyes causing Mary smile. It was only now she saw how alike they were. Edith spoke again more softly. "It suits you, you know?"

"What does?"

"Being my sister."

Mary noting the tinge of sadness in her voice stood and pulled her into a hug placing a loving kiss on her cheek before Edith turned back to the window. She shivered slightly, every winter she forget how cold it was. A passing couple smiled and nodded towards her. Everyone was always so happy. The way their eyes lit up when they saw her small but ever growing baby bump. She wondered how Anthony would have looked at her if he was here. How he would have found it all. Mary watching her carefully spoke sitting down again.

"I still can't believe I'm going to be an auntie."

"I still can't believe I'm going to be a mother."

The baby was due in May and she was so very pleased for she had never expected it to happen but still she had doubts and fears. She wouldn't talk about them. _Who could she talk to apart from her husband_? No one would understand. Refusing to think about it anymore she looked down at her hands distracting herself from horrible thoughts. Hearing her mother enter the room she glanced over at her.

"Have you thought any more about Miss Brown?" Cora said quietly picking up the newspaper Mary had left on the coffee table in front of the sofas.

"Mama I still think it is far too early to be choosing a nurse."

"My dear it will come a lot quicker then you think."

Edith nodded forcing a smile on her face before turning back to the window her thoughts clouding. At first Anthony had let her stay with him when he slowly recovered his strength in Downton. Surgery was always going to happen and they both knew that and Anthony had suggested it was best that she leave him to recover by himself till he was well. Sometimes when she had visited him the nurses would look at her ever so sadly and with a hint of curiosity say he would not see her. She was determined and would not give up. He would get well and she would be there. Her parents thought she was visiting him too much, using too much of her strength but she was only pregnant not ill. _Not like Anthony_. _How many times must we do this_? She thought as she heard her mother talk with a perfect smile sitting next to Mary.

"Edith you mustn't worry so much about Anthony."

It never failed to amaze her how everyday Edith would visit._ Did she not see Anthony just needed rest_? She wasn't sure if Edith was alright as she said and her smile changed to a more concerned one. Although Edith had the glow of pregnancy about her she could see she was tired and clearly concerned. Feeling she was unable to help her she looked towards Mary. Always lacking kind words for her sister, _would she know what to say now_?

"He's always been stubborn." Edith said fondly glancing down at the street.

"Well not to worry this time next year I'm sure everything will be worked out."

Edith was angry with him for not being able to trust her enough to help him through this. _Did he not see the odd visit every other week wasn't enough_? She thought taking a seat opposite Mary and her mother. Painful thoughts and unspoken words almost killed her there but she couldn't say it, _not out loud_. She folded her arms wishing she could stop being so silly and let it go. He was well, she was here, _what more did she need_? It was suddenly seeming so tangible that they were going to be parents and she just wanted him to be there with her. He still had a long way until he was well but she didn't care. She had missed him. Missed the memory's they could have made.

"Are you quite well dear?"

Cora asked quietly glancing at Mary again. Ever since her husband had argued with her over Edith things had seemed tense. She had thought London would be the best place for everyone and although it had calmed down some worries others had lingered. She often felt she could do nothing right. She had thought about going to the hospital but Edith had always insisted on going alone and she knew it was difficult for her, to admit she might need help. She had tried speaking to Anthony herself but he had been feeling unwell when she had visited him so she had written him a letter instead. She just felt so useless. She was her mother, she should do more, she should be able to love her willingly, not love her because it's expected.

"Why don't you go upstairs for a rest?" Cora said leaning over to pat her arm.

"Mama I'm perfectly well, besides I'm going to visit Anthony soon."

"Your five months pregnant you should be taking things easy."

"She'll be fine mama."

Mary said sternly from her place by the fire making sure to stop the building argument before it became two way. Feeling her cheeks burning Edith turned back to the window she sighed seeing the first drops of snow falling. Cora just wanted to protect her. Everybody said she was only starting to care because Edith was pregnant. That wasn't it at all. She had always loved her like her other daughters, she just never felt the need to show it as much, she thought Edith had known it. Mary decided that maybe she would go with Edith instead of sitting in the building atmosphere. She would rather talk about Anthony and babies then pretend not to notice something was wrong.

* * *

Anthony sat propped up in bed with a book but he wasn't really reading it. He'd rather have Edith with him then the book. He would give everything to get well, return to Downton, to take her home. _What would I do with out you_? He pondered it slightly deciding that he should have let Edith see him more it must have been difficult for her. _God knows she should have found someone that would have put her first_. He wondered how her family had been, if they had been supportive. He knew people would say he was a fool but _how could he ruin her life_? He was just a stupid old man. Feeling his eye lids grow heavy he closed them for a moment wondering what Edith was doing.

A small smile graced her lips as she watched Anthony sleeping. It would be ever so unfair to wake him but she had longed to see him for weeks now and knew, _hoped_, he would want to see her too. With a soft hand she touched his arm longing for so much more than what he wanted to give her.

"Anthony."

Feeling a hand on his arm he groaned. He knew it was probably the nurse back. Turning slightly and opening his eyes the blurry sideways view of his wife came into focus. He watched concerned as she sighed, her shoulders dropping slightly. He had missed talking with her about everything and anything. At least she had her sisters now. He was about to talk when she lent forward and placed a kiss on his cheek before sitting next to him, leaving him longing for some connection with her again. He had just woken up and it all seemed like a dream. _Such a wonderful dream_.

"Edith..." He spoke unable to finish as the last few minutes of sleep faded away.

"Go back to sleep Anthony."

Edith settled back down on the bed. Glad to be with him, glad of the sudden hope they had found with each other. He stirred slightly yawning sleepily as he opened his eyes. Maybe it was the sleep or the pain killers, he wasn't sure, but he decided to tell her everything he had on his mind. She had heard it before and lots of times but he still wanted her to know he cared very much for her.

"I don't want to feel like a burden to you. I know you say I wouldn't be but with the baby and managing your family, well I knew it was more than you could handle. I'm sorry "

"I would have been able to handle it with you there but your here now and more importantly so am I so stop worrying." She said softly as he moved the hair out of her eyes.

"Edith." He barely whispered her name, not wanting to disturb the peace that he knew she loved. "I don't ever want to leave you again."

"You don't have to."

"No I mean it. I don't want you to wake up one day and me to be gone. I don't want you to have raise this child alone."

She sensed his fear and knew it was all coming up again. "I love you and you must never feel you are not good enough for me Anthony for you are the best thing that's ever happened to me."

He watched her slightly confused as she pulled back the bed covers. The cold creeping in. He was feeling a bit dazed and took her hand for a moment. She would not let him have pity, he deserved more and so did she so she stood her hand slipping out of his.

"What are you doing?"

"We are going for a walk."

"I don't think..."

"The nurse said you have to and you must. I don't know what I would do with you Anthony."

She said concerned, mirroring his thoughts. He was worried what she would think of him but he didn't want to let her down so gingerly placed his feet on the floor, Edith helping him on with his slippers. It was all very odd but it was good to have her with him again. It was like she had never been away. All those nights he had longed for and now she was here he almost didn't remember them at all. _Had she suffered like he had_? Edith, kneeling in front of Anthony, had just finished putting his slippers on when she felt his warm hand on her face, still cold from the walk to the hospital. She looked up at him afraid that she would let everything out then but he looked so very sad.

"Edith my dear. I don't know how I will ever make this up to you."

"Well you can start by going for a walk."

He shook his head slightly smiling as she seemed happy to still have his hand resting on her cheek. What he would do to kiss her. Edith stood slowly feeling a bit light headed and offered out her hand. Seeing Anthony looked slightly afraid she took his arm and helped him up. If they were to do this then they would do it together. She didn't care what people would say, what her family would think, they were husband and wife soon to be mama and papa. She smiled happily at the thought as Anthony walked slowly beside her. He wasn't sure what to say and was worried he was leaning too much on her but she didn't mind and was glad of the slow walking pace. _Just like we were before_. She thought taking her arm and placing it round his waist feeling him grow unsteady. For the first time in a long time he smiled at her and she smiled back sure he was going to get better, they were going to get better. They were going to get better at being husband and wife, better at being together and better at trusting each other.

"I think I...I've been waiting my whole life for someone like you."

Anthony said before turning his face so it was level with hers and leaned towards her placing a soft kiss on her lips. It was only intended to last a moment but both had felt so lost since they parted and wanting to communicate this Edith brought him closer to her placing a hand on his flushed cheek. She didn't want to part from him and neither did Anthony, both afraid that they might lose one another. Anthony's heart felt like it was going to explode with love and he just wanted to hold her forever. Feeling a thud somewhere between them he pulled apart breathless glancing at Edith as she placed a hand on her stomach. Taking her in his arms they stood in silence for the longest time before Edith spoke, thoughts of their little family filling her head. What next Christmas would be like, how she was going to help him recover.

"Your going to make a wonderful father Anthony."


	14. Chapter 14

_A/N: Hello everyone!_

_I didn't have time to write a longer chapter so just a short one for now. Next chapter Edith will have the baby and I don't think there will be many chapters to go after that._

_Thanks spottedhorse! Normally I check a billion times before I post. I was just going to spell check and proof read when I got a call saying my brother's girlfriend had just had her baby so I had to go out rather quickly but thought I'd just post anyway, thanks again! :)_

_Thank you for reading!_

* * *

_April 1913_

"I wouldn't mind at all if you went tonight dear."

Anthony said lovingly from the bed as he watched his wife sit at her dressing table. She looked up at him and smiled in the mirror. It was a happy smile though he could see it was tinted with sadness and worry. This was not how it was supposed to be. He knew he needed looking after but he hadn't told her every time he needed help and he certainly didn't want her struggling to help him, not now the baby was due in a matter of weeks. _What she must think of me_. _So young and full of life and here I am holding her down_. She looked down at her dressing table shaking her head, almost reading his mind. She was still learning about him, the little things others didn't see. Even now when he was unwell he was such a kind man but she could tell he was getting frustrated unable to do anything, what she would give to make it go away. Sensing she wasn't going to listen he spoke again closing the book he had on his lap. She could be so determined now she had found her confidence, he was worried she would get bored of him.

"I want you to go."

"I would rather stay here with you then go to dinner and watch another Isobel and granny fight." She said sternly turning round on the chair as best she could.

"That definitely sounds more interesting than staying here with boring old me. Please go, I'll be fine."

"I said I would look after you and I will. I need the rest anyway."

She crossed the room just catching her balance before she sat down beside him on the bed taking his hand. He watched her glowing face crease into a smile. She was so tired but felt bad complaining about it when he was still recovering. The baby had brought them together and he was pleased they had decided to have children. The first pregnancy had been an accident but it had changed everything. Like their world had been turned upside down and he had stepped through the looking glass. Even if they never did talk about trying again he knew in his heart of hearts they would always have another child if they could. It had been scary at first considering what had happened to Maud and what they had gone through but the pregnancy seemed to be going well and Edith was taking it all in her stride. She was making him proud and it was at least reassuring to know she was trying as hard as he was to make things normal. They were always together but finally moving in sync. Breathing suddenly seeming more easy and loving more natural. Both still silently devoted to each other, now ready knowing the other was with them.

"Well I'll be here trying to sort out the books. It wont be much fun for you." He said reaching for her hand as she shifted rubbing her back slightly.

"I thought Harrison was doing all that for you?"

"He's such a liability. You know I prefer to do it myself."

"Well your going to show someone how to run the estate sometime."

She said meeting his soft eyes thoughts of her father, Patrick and Matthew filling her head. _What was he thinking_? She ventured back over to the dressing table refusing to look at him as she brushed her long hair. She hated troubling him and decided when he was better it would be easier to talk about things that seemed silly. He had seen it though. The look in her eyes when she thought of home. He had never spoken overly with her about her family and wanted to ask so much._ Was now the right time_? He sat up watching her as she looked towards the floor her hands running through her hair. His breath caught in his throat slightly thinking how lucky he was to have all that he did and how close he had come to losing it all.

"What makes you so sure the baby will be a boy?" He asked as she kept her eyes to the floor.

"I don't know. I just want it to be a boy." _Would he think less of me for wanting the easy option_?

"Why?" _Will she think I'm foolish to ask_?

"Mama was never really my mama she was just my mother. Your so wonderful Anthony and if this baby is a boy I know your raise him into a smart and gentle young man. I could never make a kind, happy daughter."

It was out there now and she regretted it, the words feeling like they had burnt her tongue._ If the baby was well what did it matter_? Her doubts about being a parent were becoming bigger. She had at first talked to Anthony about them but he had seemed so relaxed she thought he might think her foolish and immature to ask any more questions. She wouldn't want that for the world. Placing her hairbrush down quietly she didn't look in the mirror, too afraid to see his reaction. _Why didn't she know him better_? All she heard was the sheets moving until a shadow fell over her dressing table. Her worried tear filled eyes met his as he pulled her up into his arms. He hadn't held her properly for such a long time and it was a bittersweet moment. Sniffling slightly against his shoulder she heard him speak.

"My love you could never ever disappoint me nor our child. This child is half of you to. He or she will be just as beautiful and smart as you. You should not worry."

"I wish I could be as brave as you Anthony." She said pulling away her eyes now red.

"You've always been the braver one Edith, even now and I thank you for it."

He said quietly before pulling her back to him soothing every doubt. The doubts that had made the emotional space much wider between them. He felt awful wondering how long she had carried those fears._ It would not be easy_. He thought as she settled against him filling the gap physically now, her arms round his waist. He was scared about the time they had left and she was scared about the time they had to come. _Would they have that time_? He closed his eyes taking a breath._ Dear god let me have this time, let us have the future_.


	15. Chapter 15

_A/N: Hello!_

_I know I only updated yesterday but I start a new job with more hours soon so I didn't know when else I would get to finish this story. This will be the last chapter. I hope you have enjoyed reading it as much as I have enjoyed writing it and reading all your reviews. I hope you wont be too disappointed by the ending. Thank you for all the support and for coming on the journey that was my first Edith and Anthony story._

_Thank you._

* * *

_May 1913_

Reaching out for her across the bed in the hazy hours of the early morning all he found were cold sheets and an empty pillow. Fumbling out into the darkened landing he called her name but all he heard was the echo of his on voice before silence. _Silence_. The kind of discomforting silence and he felt his heartbeat multiply, w_here was she_? His feet led the way down the stairs, hand trailing the wall finding his way in the darkness, he called out again forgetting they shared the house with staff. They always felt they were alone together, their own little world. Their world that would soon be making room for a new person.

"Edith?"

Hearing no reply his fears only heightened. He knew now he should have spent more time looking after her, she was so very young._ Did having experience make it any better_, _knowing what was coming_? Pushing open the door to the library he saw the outline of his wife bent over the desk. He thought at first she was just reading something on the desk but his relief was quickly displaced realising the light was off and turning it on he heard her give a tiny sob. He called to her again and she hesitated before turning round to him, not wanting to reveal the horrible truth. All he saw at first was her damp hair stuck to her forehead but then his eyes dropped to her hands. Hands that were covered in blood, the blood that also covered most of the bottom of her nightdress. His head started to spin as he felt sick. The look of fear in her eyes only increased seeing him there. _Did she know_? _Know how much she reminded him of Maud in that moment_? His feet felt like they were stuck as she shook slightly almost unable to stand. She had not wanted to wake him, worry him, then it had all gone wrong and she was so scared._ What did it all mean_? The few moments of peace were quickly shattering one by one and it felt like the lights were slowly being turned out. Anthony stood in a trance unsure what to do. _Yes_, he had been here before but it was so long ago and it had not been Edith standing there. He had loved Maud but Edith held a different place in his heart, a larger part. He felt as if someone shook him back to life seeing her falter her hands shaking more violently. Without a second thought he took his wife in his arms and carried her up the stairs, her head resting on his shoulder. Blood now on his own hands, his clothes, but all he saw was her. _Her_ and his life starting to crash around him. _Not again_.

* * *

"Why can't I see her?!"

"Anthony it will be all right." Robert said his brow creased as he watched Anthony pace the room.

"You didn't see her Robert. She..."

He stopped the emotion catching him. He also didn't want to involve Robert in what was so very wrong with Edith. She was his daughter but he guessed he knew how serious it was. He had after all been woken in the middle of night and summoned to the Strallan estate and he, Anthony, still had the blood on his hands. _God it really is the blood on my hands_. He had caused this, _hadn't he_? Flashes of her came to him so painfully. Her smile, her looking so nervous on their wedding night and the look of such love and excitement in her eyes when she had taken the first drive with him. _Please pull through Edith_. _Please don't let that be our last drive together_. His thoughts were interrupted as Robert offered him some brandy. He took it gladly slightly regretting not saying more to Edith when he left her with the doctor and her mother. He had carried those regrets of Maud for over twenty years and even though he knew Edith was stronger he felt at such a loss at not uttering those words. _Did she know how much he loved her_? Robert spoke his voice shaking slightly.

"She will get through this Anthony. You all will."

"I was going to sell the estate. I told her we could buy a smaller house. All I wanted was for us to be a family, for her to be happy. That's all I ever wanted."

Anthony said nodding and draining his glass for courage. Robert looked over at the man who had almost broken down in front of him. He could see the overwhelming love for his daughter spilling out of him and he crossed the room also thinking of Edith. _How was she_? _Did she know how they were all feeling_? Anthony looked up feeling a strong hand on his shoulder. It was all the comfort and permission he needed, he was lacking. Robert was not his first choice but he had to have someone, someone while he did not have Edith. Robert was unsure what to say and so he let the silence settle the only sound of the ticking clock and roaring fire. Time seeming to stand still until there came a knock at the door. Cora entered refusing to betray any emotion on her face and spoke only looking at Anthony. _Did he know, know what had happened?_

"It's a healthy boy."

"And Edith?"

* * *

Although the carnage of the night had been washed away and cleaned up Anthony still saw the blooded sheets and harrowed look of the doctor. Refusing to think of it all he was instantly at his wife's side not caring what anybody thought as he laid next to her. The light started to filter through the curtains and everyone seemed to melt away until they were alone. The little baby was bright pink and healthy size, he couldn't help but smile seeing his two favourite people in the world were well. The baby had his mother's eyes and his father's chin. Anthony reached forwards and kissed her before stroking the little baby's cheek. She spoke her voice cracking slightly. She felt something was ever so wrong but couldn't put it into words.

"I've named him Anthony."

"You don't have to." He said his words fading away transfixed by the baby.

"I want to. He will grow up just as handsome and smart as you."

She said as she laid with her sleeping baby in her arms and her husband by her side. With a smile she realised this was what she had dreamt of, had hoped for all her life. The fairy stories she had been read as a child no longer seemed like fiction. She was finally happy and at peace, she could finally let go of all the hate and pain. The stuff that her heart had been glued together with for the past few years. She was ready to let it all go and make room to fill her heart with new memories and love for her son. She turned to Anthony when he spoke.

"I promise I will look after you and love you both till the end of time. I will do what ever it takes to make you happy." Resting her hand on his cheek she took one long moment to remember it all, all they had been through. What their life could have been like.

"I have truly loved you so much Anthony. Thank you for giving me such a wonderful life."

Tears caught in his eyes all he could do was whisper and ask why she had used past tense. _No she would be all right_. He told him self watching her grow paler. The birth had been troublesome but she seemed to be fine, just a little weak. He had placed his whole future in her, she was his everything and now they had a son and it was all finally fitting together. Looking up he saw doctor Clarkson in the open door way and then the terrible truth dawned on him. He had seen the same look on the doctors face before. Frantically he looked back at his wife, searching for reassurance as she handed him their fragile baby. He didn't find reassurance nor did he find comfort in now having his son in his arms. He wanted her. _Why was she so calm_, _so right with it being finished_? It was not fair and he would not take it. _A wonderful life_? She had barely lived half of it and now he had taken it away._ It's all my fault_. He had always worried how she would cope with him not there but now he started to wonder what he would do if she were not there. He tried to steady his breath, tried to calm his heart. _This really is not fair_, he thought his brain refusing to believe it as his son little hand reached up for him. His beautiful wife had given him such a gift, a gift that was now going to be her legacy. She would always be his young, beautiful wife forever living in his mermories as the only that he ever loved and he the only one that she ever loved. With no strength to answer his question all she could do was nod and take his hand in her shaky one and reach her arm across him taking their baby's tiny hand in her other. Just an hour after their baby was born, just an hour after he had taken his first screaming, unsure shaky breath Edith drew her quiet and accepting last. _No this is not fair at all_. He thought as her hand fell out of his separating them forever, death taking her far too quickly and far too soon. There was no need to wonder what was beneath it all anymore for everything was coming to the surface with such clarity.

_**The end.**_

* * *

_A/N: I know, I'm a horrible person but this was the ending I thought would fit better. Your thoughts? _

_Thank you._


	16. Chapter 16

_I havent posted for a while so hello again, hope your all well!_

_So a lot of you said the story had felt a little unfinished and I am sorry about that and the ending but there was a reason behind it. I had meant to post this for a while but was a little unsure on it ,however, after seeing what happened in season 3, I'm not going to spoil it for anyone, I found the inspiration to post. Still feels a little unfinished but I wanted to post all the same._

_Thank you for reading and for all your support on this._

* * *

Downstairs was a mix of nervous energy and a sense of eeriness. Luncheon for upstairs had been cleared away and lunch for downstairs was being laid out. Only a few servants had gathered, others seeming far to busy to stop for the pre luncheon gossip. Much to Thomas annoyance Anna and Bates had joined him and Mrs O'Brien. He much preferred to talk about the goings on in the house when they were out of ear shot. A grief stricken daisy hovered slightly with a large plate full of sandwiches she was holding too lost in her thoughts to notice Thomas getting increasingly annoyed that he hadn't been served. He leaned back in his chair next to O'Brien trying to not to think of the late Lady Strallan. She had seemed like his sort of people. Drawing his cigarette away from his lips he spoke.

"Whats the matter daisy you got ants in your pants?"

"I just keep thinking about poor Mr Strallan..."

"That's sir to you." He whispered slyly, O'Brien giving him a smirk looking up from her needle work.

"Him and Lady Edith hadn't even been married two years. That poor baby and..."

Anna looked over kindly seeing daisy had trailed off mumbling about something else. The poor girl was clearly conflicted, she was too young to be thinking of such sad things. Anna looked back over at John, he was very quite too. Strange how Edith had, had such a quiet presence when she was in the house and now she wasn't her absence spoke volumes. Everyone was taken from their thoughts hearing the familiar voice of Mrs Patmore, who had stood bemused at the door. _It's better not to think of these things no matter how large the perspective that it will offer_.

"What's the matter with you daisy? Give that here before I hit you over the head with it." She said snatching the plate ignoring that fact that Mrs Hughes was standing in the door way, only aware of her presence by everyone standing for a moment. "Your not still think about Lady Edith are you Daisy?"

"She was just so young Mrs Patmore. So very young."

"You never knew her."

"What will they do now?"

Mrs Patmore stopped, closing her mouth when Mr Carson arrived prompting the servants to stand up again, Thomas barely making an effort. Seeing the servant eyes on them Mrs Hughes took him to one side, she did not need gossip, not at a time like this. Carson was trying his best to cover his feelings but she could see the deep frown, one drenched in pain, he felt part of the family and although he didn't like Lady Edith that much he felt close to his lordship and was feeling his grief. No one had seen lord Grantham since he had returned from the Strallans that morning and luncheon was largely untouched. Wondering how Sir Strallan was and thoughts of the new born filling her head she lowered her voice.

"How is his lordship Mr Carson?"

"Not well at all I'm afraid Mrs Hughes. He has taken to his bed. This isn't easy for him at all, he's taking it very badly."

"Nor is it easy the little family she's left behind I imagine. the poor little mite growing up with out his mother. It doesn't bare thinking about. How is Mr Strallan?"

"Lady Grantham went over to see him but he refused to have any visitors."

"Well that's understandable I suppose."

A deafening silence fell over the servants hall. All taking a moment to think about their last moments with Lady Edith. Their last thoughts of her. All feeling rather ashamed their luncheon went untouched. Mrs Hughes hoped that this would bring the family closer together not further apart but it was any ones guess how they were feeling considering how bad all the downstairs staff were feeling.

* * *

He woke feeling tired wondering what was happening. Looking at his son in his arms he slowly remembered what happened. _Is this what it would be like for the next twenty thirty years, always forgetting and having to remember, go through it all again when I wake up_? This death felt so very different to Maud's, so much more painful. He stared down at the sleeping infant in his arms wondering what he was supposed to do with him. It probably would have been left to Edith and the nanny anyway as he was still unwell but he felt if he did not force him self to see the child, to hold him then he knew he never would. He knew it wasn't the boys fault for Edith's death and if anything he blamed him self more.

_How long had it been_? _How long since their family had been ripped apart_? He had tried not to sleep or do anything to remind himself what time it was. He didn't need to, time had stopped existing. It had all fallen apart. He couldn't bare to think how he was going to raise the child without Edith. _How was he even going to get through it all without her_? He couldn't think about the years ahead let alone the next minute. He glanced up at the wall in the nursery the painful memory of him and Edith picking out the wallpaper burned in his mind. The home he had built with her felt like it had been knocked down in a matter of minutes. _No, it is not our home anymore, it is just a house_. A lonely house that could have been so much more. _Who could he confide in now_? _Who could he trust now when everyone had left him_? He took a breath stifling a sob looking away from his tiny son, he didn't want the pity. Nor the fear he was starting to feel. Cora had already promised to visit again but he couldn't see her, couldn't see them. The family who's daughter he had cruelly taken away. _No he couldn't see them_.

When Maud had left him he never thought he would feel that love again, he never thought he could be loved again. He was far too broken and he would be alone forever but some how Edith had come into his life circling him for what had seemed like such a short space of time. Both lonely, both hurt just searching for a connection. A connection they had found in each other. It wasn't all about finding someone similar and they didn't need to say so. They felt like they went together so well. Edith had looked in the wrong places and he had given up hope until they were thrown together by accident. He nearly hadn't accepted that invitation to dinner, almost didn't ask her out to the opera but there had always been something there. He thought at first maybe that's what they had seen in each other. They had seen a mirror image and taken comfort in it. _What would he take comfort in now the mirror was shattered_? _How many times must he cut his hands picking up the pieces_?

"I want to see him this moment and if you do not let me I will show what I really carry this walking stick for."

He blinked up at the door confused. _That sounded like_...before he could prepare himself Violet entered the room almost out of breath looking round the room. She almost seemed calmed compared to everyone else he had seen. All lost in a hysterical state of grief either that or just numb. He felt he was just alternating between the two. Violet stopped looking at the tiny child still in his arms. She did not like being around children but in that moment she very nearly asked to hold him. _Nearly_. Looking up at Anthony she fell silent the butler retreating fearfully from the doorway leaving them alone. She had prepared it all and she was wasn't going to stand for pity but seeing how broken he was she felt she should give him time.

"The whole family is downstairs and they are waiting for you."

"What do you mean?" He said trying hard not to cry again. He had no family, a sister but she was in London.

"Cora, Robert and the girls. They're,_ we_ are all here for you Anthony. Your part of this family now...if you want to be."

"Thank you Violet." He said unsure what to feel or say. Staring up at her in horror he realised he hadn't used her title at all. In the grand scheme of things it didn't matter but he needed to focus on the small things the things that didn't matter. If he focused on the big things he would fall apart.

"Good. One thing you must know is that this family doesn't take pity. Not now we have a young man to raise. Come along."

He stared open mouthed as Violet turned back towards the door. _We_. _Why did it feel like such a relief had been lifted_? Knowing not to argue he followed her careful not to wake his son. It was still strange to say those words. His son. The first few steps were the hardest but he took them slowly trying hard to think of the good. He had gotten a child at the expense of his wife. _Was it fair_? Not at all but it had happened and looking at his son who had just opened his eyes he knew that he would have all the love in the world. He would grow to love him and he would grow to accept his new family and the help they offered.

What ever people where hiding beneath it all didn't matter anymore because there is so much to gain from letting things come to the surface naturally. No harsh words, lies or secrets. Anthony now only wished he had realised that sooner. Realised that whatever Edith kept hidden was what he kept hidden too, what ever pain she felt he felt it too and what ever she went through he went through it too. They had been as one and even now they were separate a part of her would always be with him, not only in their son but in their memories. Although Anthony was not okay with that in that moment he knew in time, painful slow time he would see. The tiny life him and Edith had created would grow up with her smile and her wonderful view on life. Their son would be perfectly happy and Anthony would be perfectly happy too, permanently lost in the mist of grief. Like a ship sailed too far into a storm with no return. With a sad sigh he realised he wouldn't want it any other way. _Without the pain how can you know how much something, someone had meant to you_? _Without the shocking, cold, harsh pain and grief how can you tell you are still breathing_? And that's what he would tell him self every morning. _Keep breathing Anthony_, _just keep breathing..._

**Finished.**


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